Speak Up

Saturday, November 29, 2008

ChefWife Advice

SK from Chicago left a comment on a previous post today. She'd like our advice and since you are the best advice givers I know I thought I'd share her quandry again so we can leave comments to help her out.

Hello all...I am not married to a chef (cook, as it were), but I am in a
very serious relationship with one. He's currently working in Vegas (while I'm
still in Chicago) and was planning on being back in August, but after three
months he had a wonderful opportunity: they brought in people from Europe and
had him interview with them. On the spot he had to whip up a four course meal,
etc. and blew them away. Now they're setting him up for some place in Europe (we
still don't even have the full details) and it sounds like they want him there
sometime after the first of January.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance in this. I'm a very family
oriented person, and I'm very close with mine, but I don't know if I should try
to go with him or if its better to end things here. We've only just started
talking about it, and I know he's going to take this opportunity which I do not
blame him for, it's amazing. But we're not quite at the marriage stage yet, and
now that I'm reading some of what these women go through with families... being
in the one I was in, I don't know if I could handle it. I want kids, and so does
he, but I never wanted to be a single mom and it sounds as if that's what I'd be
in line for.I guess I'm just looking for some advice on making this extremely
difficult decision. Some perspective from people who have been there.

SK - Chicago

My advice: TALK! Talk to him! Is this the type of man you want to be with forever? Would you be willing to move? Willing to visit? Willing to live without him. Having a chef boyfriend who lives in Europe isn't all that much worse than living in the same home as one. But of course, it's also much, much diffferent. If you're not completely committed to long distance phone calls at odd hours in the night, no dating, no sex, and no person-to-person companionship, then it might be time to say good-bye.


NikkiBee said...

I too am not yet married to my chef, although we are in a very serious relationship, just bought a house together and are trying to start our lives, he is ALWAYS traveling. As a private chef on a mega-yacht, there are some weeks, even months that I do not see him. Some days that I cannot talk to him, and all we have is email or ichat - I hate the distance, HATE IT, but I love him, he is an amazing person, and I know someday he will leave the boat for a better opportunity here in MA. I cannot be angry right now, our economy is so terrible, we are lucky to even have jobs. I think life is an adventure, and if you really want to make it work, take the plunge, talk to him, weigh out your options, and who knows, maybe Europe may be a dream come true for you both. No one ever said you couldnt leave to go back home.

I sometimes feel chefs are punished in a way because of their hours and dedication, and we as females are so needy - but really, they are doing what they love, providing an income and just trying to live life like everyone else.

Go for it girl, I am always here to offer advice and talk - I myself have moved 18 times (3 times for the chef) and wouldn't have it any other way. Life is an adventure.

I wish you and your chef luck, and I hope you come to an agreement.


Anonymous said...

I haven't been faced with a-move-to-another-country situation for my chef, but I think that all of us chefwives and chefgirlfriends can say that we have sacrificed quite a bit for these men. If my husband were not a chef, we'd have children by now and not live in a tiny apartment, and I wouldn't be forced to keep a job that I dislike. Would I trade it for another man? No, never in a million years.

If you opt to move to Europe for him (which would be an awesome adventure!) would you be able to work there, at least part time? I know some European countries have strict rules about that. If you are unable to work, is his salary going to be enough to support you both while you're there? Even if it is enough, if you can work a little bit, I'd recommend it, so you have enough money see all the awesome things Europe has to offer! It would also let you meet some new people. If you think you might want to marry him eventually, I think you should take the plunge. If you have reservations about that, then maybe you should try long distance for a little while. If you discover that you really do want to commit to him, you can always join him in Europe later.

Good luck with your decision!

Anonymous said...

I think this will depend on your finances first. Are you at a job you can go back to if the Europe thing doesn't work out? Can you find work overseas easily? Do you have money to lean on? How un romantic this sounds...a good relationship needs financial stability. I don't mean rich, just so you can cover your tush. If you are...I say go for it! You will know in the 1st year if it is going to work out. Police, firefighters, EMT's, chefs, white collars many people...weird hours, travel abroad, never home at "normal hours". Well that is my 2 cents.


P.S. JGV. Nice job on Kelly/Regis.

lonestarstudent said...

Sounds like you are in a tough positon. I would agree with the first comment and suggest that you talk about it with your chef.

I was in a similar situation when I moved with my then-boyfriend from Texas to NY so he could go to culinary school. I had always wanted to live in NY but wanted to live in the city, not the Hudson Valley. I moved, then moved again, and have moved once more. In the process, we got married, but I wasn't sure that we were going to get married when I made the first move. I have always been very close to my family and I was the first person to ever move outside of Texas. Although it was difficult being away from my family, moving was one of the best experiences of my life (even though I didn't like living in the Hudson Valley). I learned a lot about myself and in the process grew closer to my family.

You can't predict the future. If you like the idea of living in Europe, even temporarily, go. It may be the chance of a lifetime.

Being the significant other of a chef is not easy, but I like my life. We struggle with finances sometimes and we would probably have children by now if my husband wasn't a chef with such a crazy schedule BUT being with him has helped me find myself.

Go with your heart. Long distance can work too, I did it for almost a year!

Good luck. I'm always here to talk.
DCW Dallas

Anonymous said...

I agree completely with the other ladies. If you truly love him, take the chance. I moved from nyc to philly (it may not seem like that big of a deal, but it was) and took a serious paycut to be with my then chef boyfriend. it wasn't easy, and i was alone a lot (still am) but knowing he was coming home, even if it was at 2am to climb into bed with me was all i needed. And there are worse places he could be wanting you to move to than europe:) i'll be honest...it's HARD. we just had a baby boy on aug 29 and my now chef husband opened a restuarant 3 days later. i definitely feel like a single mom most of the time, but when we visit him at the restaurant and he shows off our son to all the guests it melts my heart. there are gives and takes, good days and bad...but it all comes down to how much you love and respect each other. good luck with whatever you choose!

Anonymous said...

The fact is the MAN should levae everything and move in with the WOMAN if he has true LOVE and want to marry her.

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