The Gift of Giving

Come mid-March I'll be home awaiting the arrival of Baby Maverik. I'll be so sad not to be working, and if it were 100% up to me I'd work up until active labor kicks in. I'm going to work as hard as I'm able to so that I can stay connected to school for a smoother return come September. I'd like to help out with the annual spring auction fundraiser by reaching out to my chefwife friends for support.

Does your husband have a cookbook to donate? A restaurant gift certificate? A new set of cooking tools? Items are donated to my charter school (which receives less than 65% of the budget of the public schools) and then bid on by parents and staff. This event is our most beneficial fundraiser. If you're able to make a donation (monetary or otherwise) I'd be happy to pass along our tax ID number so that you can receive just one of benefits of giving to others.

If you know someone or an organization that is willing to make a donation to my school, please pass along my email to them. Thank you in advance.

desperatechefswives@gmail.com

Food is Love,
Hilary

Calling All Wives!

Lauren, a writer I recently met, is writing an article and would like some input from wives/girlfriends of chefs and other restaurant people. See her note below.


Four years ago, my father's close friend, a chef, committed suicide by driving his car down the wrong side of the interstate and crashing into an 18-wheeler. He died almost instantly. His two small children in the back seat of the car were not hurt. At the time, I wondered what could drive a person to do this and if it had anything to do with the ups and downs of his culinary career.

I am now writing an article about substance abuse and depression in the food service industry. I know it's prevalent - government studies have confirmed that - but I don't think the general public is really aware of these trends.

I am looking for chefs in the NYC area who have struggled with alcohol, depression and/or drug use on the job. I am looking for candid stories from people who don't mind talking on the record.

The article is being edited by an editor at New York Magazine, and will be pitched to another publication later this spring.

The best way to reach me is laurensausser@gmail.com

Thanks, Lauren

Here I Am!!

I know it had been a terribly long time since I've wrote anything. I wish I could write here more.

My recovery from the accident has been progressing well. Over the Christmas break I went to my folks house in Columbus, Ohio and didn't really do much of anything. Well, I ate a lot and went shopping a few times, but overall I took it easy. Around New Year's Eve my knee finally stopped hurting me. I'm able to walk fine now, but I am suffering from some severe back pain. I'm sure it's a combination of my third trimester and the accident. I have less than 10 weeks until Maverik Hudson is born! I can't believe it!!

Erik chose the name and it grew on me quite quickly. We love the fact that it's unique and it means "independent thinker". Plus, you'll notice the spelling of ERIK in MAVERIK too. Erik thought of that too. I chose the middle name after the Hudson River. We lived along the Hudson since we moved to the east coast over five years ago. We've been driving up and down it, traveling by train underneath it, and laying in the grass along it- I just love that river.

Along to some restaurant info...

Citysearch.com is looking for people who love going out in the city and want the chance to win cool stuff just for writing Citysearch reviews of places they’re going to anyway. It isn't just a program for aspiring writers, either. Anyone is eligible and everyone who participates will rack up rewards (think free meals, free booze, free stuff, access to exclusive Citysearch events, etc). Some contributors will also have the chance to join their editorial team eventually as professional, paid freelance writers, with their articles featured on the homepage.

Anyway, if you are interested, you can sign up at: http://newyork.citysearch.com/members/start . Just let
Keith Wagstaff know when you’ve reviewed anything and he’ll mark it down so you can get free stuff.

Keith Wagstaff

City Editor
P: (212) 373-7761 F: (212) 586-2098
keith.wagstaff@citysearch.com

Food is Love,

Hilary

Guest Blogger: John

Dear Chef Wives,

I'm not sure if anyone has done this yet, but if not then id love to be the first. Id like to give you a look inside the mind of a chef in a relationship. A little back story, I'm a 18 year old cook who has been in the industry sense I was 13. In the past two years I have been working more and more in my current restaurant where I am now a sous chef. As I have moved up through the ranks my hours have increased putting a serious strain on my relationship. When I was fifteen I met my ex-girlfriend Lyndsay, who I dated for two years and nine months, in the end she cheated on me, and when I asked why she would do this to someone she loved I realized the nature of the beast, "I wasn't getting the attention I deserved, your always to busy with your job.". I was left heart broken, and confused. Following this relationship I focused on my work, until I met my girlfriend Christine who had been a friend for many years. We started dating and were both very busy with our job, she works in retail so she works nights as well, but then things began to fall apart, I would come home after 10 hour work days and 5 hours of school, to not being able to see her because she was out with friends, slowly this began to come to a end and then we split up.

Currently Christine and I are beginning to get back together, but here is what I don't understand and maybe you woman may help me find a answer, why do friends come before your significant other? I mean I understand you have to hangout with friends, there important to, but shouldn't I get some attention, is it really enough to see her every other couple of days for a hour or so? For example: today I went to her house because she wanted to "see me", I was very excited as I have this week off from work while the restaurant is closed, she was off tonight as well, I walked in, got a kiss, and then heard "alright ill call you later, I gotta go get ready, i a\m going out with the girls tonight". Don't get me wrong I truly love Christine, I always have and so has she but I just don't know how to fix this issue.

But here is my point I really want to point out is us chefs really do try, we really do love you, and we really do think about you while were on the line. All of the cooks I work with are married and we do have a serious commitment to our relationships. I really hope no one out there thinks we don't care just because were busy, we really do wanna be with you. When I met Christine I made the point that I do work a lot and have a serious commitment to my job and food and she does understand and I'm very blessed. I understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with a chef, we tend to be a bit grouchy and I truly respect all of you out there willing to try a relationship with us. Just please understand we want to be next to you ever second just like you want to.

Regards,

John

Guest Blogger: So You Wanna Date a Chef? Good Luck!

When I first met Brian and he said he was a Chef, I nodded. Smiled even. When he said he was a chef at one of the best restaurants in Chicago,--my eyes lit up! I assumed, like most girls, that this meant a whirlwind romance of fancy dinners prepared for me daily, lots of time to spend together, and of course,--being able to get into places I normally can’t snag myself. Well. One out of 3 ain't bad.

It was hard at first. To see the burns and the cuts from that darn mandolin. And the calluses on his right hand that will never go away. It’s great to be with someone who is so passionate about their work. But it’s also not great to be with someone who is so passionate about their work.

Time. Meet your new enemy!! Time is now my new fear. It used to be sharks but I am now more afraid of time than anything in this world. Because time feels to never be on your side. And you will know what I mean if you decide to date a chef. My best advice is that you just relax when you do see him. Don’t make big plans or god forbid reservations at a restaurant. I made that mistake in the beginning of our relationship. Thinking that this was like all the other 9-5 er dudes I have dated. They simply don’t have TIME.

In the morning when he has to go to work, I feel as if there’s a referee standing there with a stop watch time ticking away. “It’s 11:40 am,!!! “Babe, I gotta go to work” is the line you get used to hearing.
We went to eat at NoMi at the Hyatt downtown, and the server asked if I too work in the industry. “No I replied” and Brian told him that I travel for work a lot and am gone on my tour. (Very much like George Clooney’s character in the movie Up in The Air.) The waiter joked “Well it’s not like you get to see him anyhow.”

The sad thing? It’s actually 100% true.

I joke that I sometimes hate his work. I don’t but I sometimes hate that they get him 90% and I get him 10%. He argues that it’s more like 80 /20 but I disagree.

If you are going to date a chef, realize that you can never really be “normal”. You aren’t going to have those dates on a Saturday night of dinner and a movie. You aren’t ever going to spend New Year’s Eve together or maybe Christmas either. You are going to have to spend time alone some nights waiting for him to get out of work. Which is never soon enough. I fall asleep sometimes and he will call me and wake me up. And that’s fine. Get used to his crazy hours.

Sunday is going to be your new favorite day. Or Monday.

I suggest that you don’t just tolerate his work. Really understand his business. Learn to love it. Cause then it is something you both are passionate about. Right now I am reading Foie Gras Wars all about the ban here in Chicago and the origins of Foie Gras.

Sure, you’ll never know as much as he knows,--he went to culinary school to learn all those things!! To me MAC is always going to be makeup and computers not knives.

For all the women who DO NOT work in the service industry, it’s a lot harder for us than a women who works WITH their boyfriend. You go 12 hours without seeing him. Daily. So I do recommend that you get used to text messages, photos from your phone and of course maybe an email thrown here and there just telling him he’s awesome and you’re thinking about him.

Book I am also reading now that is a MUST READ: The Soul of A Chef by Michael Ruhlman. It’s a page turner for sure and you learn of my new idol, Brian Polcyn of Forest Grill, http://www.theforestgrill.com who has something many Chefs lack, balance between home and work, with a successful restaurant, wife and 5 kids.

Book NOT to read, Anthony Bourdaines’s Kitchen Confidential. I love Anthony Bourdaine but I won’t read it because I am scared to read what really goes on in those kitchens. Sure. The “industry” has a notorious reputation for all Chef’s being cheaters and sleazebag drunks who cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Yeah. Don’t want to read that.

But there are the few chefs who just want to be normal. Who want to be happy not just in their work but outside their work as well. They want it ALL!

They want an actual relationship. They want some kind of normalcy. Some do want to be married and some do want kids. (And that whole urban legend of Chef’s not being able to have kids due to the heat in the kitchen is totally untrue.)
I learned that me complaining about not being able to see him isn’t ever going to help anything. So I just accept it. It’s going to take time to really accept his schedule. I am still working on it. He feels guilty that he’s at work all the time, but I always tell him it’s OK!!!

These guys, these Chefs,---they have tons of stress mentally and physically. So just do your best to be there for him. When he’s had a rough day at work be the one who gives him a back rub or takes him out for a beer and a chat. Or maybe just put some lotion on those darn rough hands of his!

Marianna Harrison

I'm Fine, But Not Fine

Nearly two weeks ago I experienced one of the scariest nights of my life. I was meeting three teacher friends in West New York and I was walking alone to a restaurant. I was crossing the parking lot when a cab made a left hand turn (running a stop sign) and hit me. The front of the cab struck my left hip and I fell on the ground. I'm not sure how I fell or even how I landed because it all happened so fast. The first person to see me was ...of course...the chef of the restaurant. He was outside on a break and he helped me to the curb, called 911, and stayed with me until my friends got there. What a great guy. A couple of ambulances came and since I was able to walk on my own I went to the hospital about a mile down the road with my friends. After four long hours in the ER, I finally heard the babies heartbeat and I was immediately able to relax.

The baby is fine. I had an ultrasound a few days later and the breathing and movement are all great. All in all, I suffered some bumps and bruises, but I'm still in a lot of pain. My knee is really messed up and it's been hard to walk ever since. Hopefully that will go away in another week or two. My back is aching all the time as well. Emotionally though, I'm a wreck. That night was so scary and Erik was all the way in Hawaii opening a new resto. He was able to fly home the next morning to took care of me. I'm so grateful for him being able to come home so quick.

My friends certainly go to to know me on a new level that night. Let me tell you-if you want to get to know someone better-spend the night in the ER. The urine samples, personal questions asked by doctors, and my big belly hooked up to heart monitor all let my friends in pretty close that night.

As far as the cab driver goes-the police filed a report and we've hired a lawyer. That won't be over for another year or so, but I'm glad someone else is handling all of the paperwork.

My goal now is to relax during my Christmas break, heal my leg, and enjoy the holidays.

Food is Love,

Hilary

Be My Guest!

Come one come all, my blog is your blog. Thanks to a couple of ladies who've suggested I invite guest bloggers I'm happy to open my blog to you all. There are no particular themes-please write about whatever you'd like. Chefs, restaurants, recipes, children, dating, Thanksgiving, anything! Email me your stuff (photos welcome) and I'll post it here.

desperatechefswives@gmail.com

On a side note, Erik has Thanksgiving off! I am shocked to find out he doesn't have to work, which is great because on Friday morning he's leaving for Hawaii for three weeks. He'll be back on the 21st just two days before I leave for Ohio. ...like ships passing in the night...

I'm thankful for web cams, email, and cell phones. I'll miss my husband, but I'm happy he's spending some cold months in the eighty degree weather on a tropical island. After all, if he's going to be working 12+ hours a day 6 days a week, then the seventh day might as well be spend on the beach.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving filled with food, family and friends.

Food is Love,

Hilary

Always A Reason Why

I've written over 400 posts on this blog since it started about two and half years ago. I'm really proud of this blog too. But clearly, something is going on that's preventing me from writing as much as I used to. I hate it. The same ideas are not flowing through me anymore and I've really been asking myself, "well, why?". I used to fluff the question off assuming that I've simply run out of ideas. The more I think about it though I know that's only a half truth. My best guess is that I feel less connected to Erik's career.

It even feels hard to write that. But it's true. Erik worked for Jean-Georges since he started as a cook, still in culinary school. Jean-Georges was the front runner above all over fine dining chefs and restauratuers in my mind. I idolized him. And why not? I watched as my husband quickly fell in love with a career and lifestyle through the school of Jean-Georges. As Erik was training and learning I was reading the same blogs that all the industry people and foodies do-belonging to neither group. I was going along for the ride and loving every minute of it. I labeled myself first not as a friend, wife, or woman, but as a chef's wife.I even considered making the label permanent with a chefwife tattoo. I don't even like tattoos. When the Bragard uniform catalogue came in the mail I would quickly turn to the page of Jean-George and sigh in gratitude that he was taking care of us-mind it in a far distant way.

Things are different now. Not only does Erik work for a new company, in a new position but I've become less connected to what he's doing. I still turn through the Bragard catalogue to see Laurent Tourondel there, but it's not the same. I just don't ask about employee drama anymore, I've stopped reading the blogs altogether, and I see myself now as a unique person first, chefwife, friend and sister later. I do also have to say that when Erik joined BLT it was 24 hours before I knew I was pregnant so I'm sure that has something to do with it too.

I am still completely 100% supportive of my husband-just not wrapped up and overwhelmed in his work. Before he travels I get all of the hotel information for him such as: do they have a gym...laundry service...shuttle to the airport...shuttle to the restaurant...? Really though, that's also for me to have a little peace of mind. I eat at the BLT restaurants and ask lots of questions about this new restaurant group. I still stand tall when people ask, "What does your husband do?".

What does all of this mean for the Desperate Chefs' Wives? I am still completely committed to the connections I've made with other wives and girlfriends. I would love for the blog to last forever, but I am struggling to write since it's not on the forefront of my mind anymore. And now that I've been direct with you-what will you think of me?

Food is Love,
Hilary

Depression

I had no idea how many wives and girlfriends were concerned about their chef's emotional well being. When I posted the last entry I expected advice to come flooding in from you all, but instead I learned that run down, worn out, depressed chefs are more common that I thought. After reading all of the comments it seems like most of these men are suffering from exhaustion. Keep in mind that I don't know any of these people, only what has been shared with us on this blog. But I do think that depression is a characteristic of over worked chefs that no one is interested in writing about. We've read all about chefs and how much they love to eat and drink after hours. They've been called womanizers and drug addicts and their lives have been glamorized as such. But behind the closed doors of our homes, these chefs are struggling to become something great and make a living to support themselves and loved ones all while cooking, prepping, hiring, firing, ordering and receiving.

My advice? Well, I'm not an expert but I do have a perspective that I think might help some. I think there are some questions that need to be asked. For instance, is there a purpose to all of the work? Line cooks and even sous chefs will work very hard, but if the goal is to become an executive chef and work up through the ranks of a restaurant, then keep at it. There will come a time when the long nights get slightly shorter and the payoff will come. But if the goal is to cook and go home, then there is no reason to work in an environment that isn't conducive to a healthy emotional life. Also, who is training your chef? If these men are working under a 4 star executive chef with a lot of knowledge available, then keep at it. But working under a chef that isn't willing to train and guide isn't worth any sort of heartache or pain.

Talk to your chefs. Tell them how worried and scared you are that they are too overworked to enjoy life. I know my concerns often come out as nagging, so I have to work very hard to make sure that I express myself in a loving way-not an angry way. And let me tell you-I'm still working on it.

Food is Love,
Hilary

Wanted: Some Serious Advice

Okay ladies, we have a fellow chef wife in need of our advice and support. She left a comment that leaves me concerned. I know the best hearts and minds in the world have crossed this blog, so I know we can help this woman in need.

Hello Hilary and all,

I'm so desperate for help, and I know this is totally off topic from sushi. But like I said, I'm desperate for help.

I believe my partner is suffering from depression and/or exhaustion from his job. He is the head chef in a new restaurant that is less than a year old. He is working close to 20 hours a day, 5 days a week.

He said he has seen a doctor, but he is still reluctant to tell me what happened. Until he is ready to tell me, I have no idea what to do.

Can anyone please, please give me some advice. What do I say? What do I do? Who do I talk to?

Food is Love,
Hilary