Pray For My Mom

This is my beautiful mother.

My mom, Camar and my son just one month before being admitted to the hospital

She is 53 years young and diagnosed with Stage 4 LMS Cancer about 16 months ago. Due to complications she had this March/April, she was admitted to the hospital. After she stopped breathing, she went into cardiac arrest. Everything went down hill from there. As of today she is still in the ICU, now with a tracheotomy, dialysis, and other complications. She is smiling now and gaining responsiveness everyday . I have no idea what the future holds, but my faith in God and Christ is the biggest comfort I could ever ask for.

Camar 

I debated with myself for a couple weeks now about writing this on my blog. I've worked very hard over the past years to make sure this blog is about one thing and one thing only: supporting wives who are connected to chefs. I avoid talking about my son or my job, but I'm making an exception.

This blog is about one more thing: supporting women. Period. And I'm in need of support this time. I need prayers and good thoughts. I need comfort.

July 2012, My mom, sisters, and step-dad

 Food is Love,
Hilary

The New Taboo

Destiny's Child sang about it. So did Shania Twain. And we all know "I am Woman Hear Me Roar". But what have these songs and other messages of female independence done to us?

I've found that women today, have a new taboo. It certainly isn't abortion, tampons, or breastfeeding. Oh no, we pride ourselves on being able to talk about all of those things. The new taboo, is dependence. You heard it ladies! So pick up the the latte you bought with your own income, because this is about to get real.

I've met a lot of women through this blog and most of them have serious issues with feeling neglected/unloved/not payed attention to/unappreciated/not cared about/ etcetera etcetera. And all of those women, including myself, make a point to say:

"But I'm an independent woman....I work full time...I have my own set of friends...I don't NEED a husband/boyfriend..."

As if being a dependent woman is such a horrible thing. Many women today look down on their non-working sisters, and the distinction is drawn even clearer when we talk about working and non-working mothers. Something happened after the women's rights movement. We gained so much, but lost a bit too. After all, how can a person even be in a relationship if there isn't some dependence involved? If you don't depend on a person, aren't they just, a stranger?

Let me tell you, I depend on my husband for many, many things. And I'll be quite transparent and share a few here...yes this is just a small portion of things I count on my husband for.

1. To love me.

2. To supplement my income. I've been teaching for several years now and I make $50,000.

3. To lift heavy things when I'm pregnant. And sometimes when I'm not pregnant.

4. To support me in general, but particularly my job. (teachers get abused all the time)

5. To do his fair share to maintain our home, which includes raising our boys.


Dependence is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I believe it to be a sign of strength. It takes trust to depend on a person and it takes strength to trust a person. So if you feel angry that your chef forgot your birthday or left you waiting until 3am where he was, well, that's perfectly natural. you should be mad, you've been let down. I'm not saying we need to start baking apple pies and make martinis for our chefs when they get home. But I do think we need to acknowledge that we are not as independent as Beyonce wants us to be.


Food is Love,
Hilary

50 Things

Once I saw this list, I just had to retweet it.

50 Things They Never Told You About Being A Chef

Some of my favorites include:

#2 You'll never meet new people because your social life deteriorates into non-existance.

#13- 15  Your feet, back and hands will get destroyed.
#24 Your shortest work days will be longer than   most people's longest...
I read them with Erik and we both agreed that about 90% of these situations apply to him. when you pile it all up into this list, this is once crazy,upside down industry.

So what do you think? How accurate is this list? Would it have stopped your chef from being a chef?

Food is Love,
Hilary

Who is the Sous?

She's young. She's talented. She's hot. She's passionate about food. And your husband just hired her as his sous chef.

Yes, imagine that. A chefwife recently confided to me her fears of a similar situation in her own life. So how do you cope? Do you through doubt out and believe in your chef as a trustworthy man? And if so, will that even work after a few 80 hours have gone by with his new sous?

Perhaps you take a different route and you check his texts in the middle of the night. You hack into his Facebook, possibly create a fake account. You question his every move, smell his clothes and check for lipstick on his collar. You ask him to check in frequently and maybe, just maybe if he doesn't check in as often as you'd like, you call in a favor to a cook at his restaurant to fill you in on the chef's ins and outs....of the restaurant of course.

Infidelity in the restaurant industry is an issue that often arises here between the Desperate Chefs' Wives. How do we tackle this? I'll be honest, I don't think about it. Ever. But I've also been with Erik since 7th grade and I've never had to think about it. I'd bet that women who have been cheated on before, especially by the chef they are with, will experience more fears than those who haven't. But that's just a guess. Can anyone confirm?

Food is Love,
Hilary

At What Price?

My husband has never done a reality cooking show. No matter how many times I've begged him to, he just won't. But even if he did want to go, I can't imagine him leaving for months at a time to film a show such as Top Chef. On this season, the chef'testants competed in Seattle and I've been watching since day one. (Rooting for Sheldon) The last chef to pack up their knives was Josh Valentine, whose wife delivered their daughter during taping. Now, I just can't believe that. I don't know what I would do if my husband were working while I delivered.

I know my perspective on the matter is unique since i nearly lost my life after my first son was born, but I guess that's why they call it perspective. I'm having one more child in July, and Erik and I agree, without even thinking, that he has to be there. That's it. But maybe I'm just a rare exception to most women. You tell me. I also had no family with me in the hospital and I know Josh's wife had her mother there. Perhaps that would change my mind.

But the question is: What sacrifices to we make that allow our spouses to have opportunities? Or sometimes just CHANCES for opportunities. I love my husband very much, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere....where?

Food is Love,
Hilary

Table for Four

Considering my complaining has reduced quite a bit over the last several years, due to this blog and many of you, I'm proud to say I've really got a handle on this chef wife thing. And because of that, I'm in the best place to have another baby. I'm due in July, and very excited to be expanding my family.

Thank you all for the support over the years, because I would not have been able to handle the work that comes from children without being able to say "this chef wife thing, yeah, I got that. "

Food is Love,
Hilary

Erik Dreams of Danny Meyer

The past few nights I've been having some freaky intense dreams. People I barely knew in high school at my grandmother's house, helping my son go potty. Strange to say the least. But the other night I had a cornucopia of weirdness and I had to tell Erik. My dream went something like this...

...teaching at a new school...not sure of subjects...or grades...walking through a grassy, willie-wonka type of field...some dead decaying cats...some living cats, but inside plastic bags...checking a deadbolt for a killer out to get me...killer is mad because Erik insulted his son's girlfriend...living in a dorm...more cats in bags...

After explaining all of this to Erik, he responds with, "I dreamt about Danny Meyer"

Of course you did. Of course, Chef.


Food is Love,
Hilary

The Storm

I've been trying to think of the best way to write after the hurricane. In good conscience, I just can't give you a play-by-play of my situation. Compared to my neighbors, coworkers, and my Jersey City community, I was merely inconvenienced. I want to tell you about the amazing things happening all over Jersey City and New York that are building our communities back up, but I'm going to stick to one family tonight: The Langello/Bowden family. (Which is really three families, but still.)

When Hurricane Sandy was at its worst, it claimed the homes of my friends Hilary and Jimmy Bowden, as well as Jimmy's brother Chris and Tabitha Bowden, and Tabitha's sister and brother-in-law, Frank and Samantha Langello. They say terrible things come in threes; what a horrible trio of events. All three families have BEAUTIFUL children as well, God Bless them. These stories touch my heart personally because Hilary Bowden is dear, dear friend of mine. And on top of that, Frank Langello is the executive chef at NYC's Babbo. The culinary industry is a family all its own.

Babbo Ristorante is holding a fundraiser for Frank and his wife, Samantha. Delicious food for a great cause, you can't go wrong. See below for details.



If you are able to give something, please click the following links:

Donate to Jimmy and Hilary Bowden and Chris and Tabitha Bowden

Hilary Bowden's home in Staten Island. Look carefully at the line of mud, that line indicates the height of the water. 

Donate to Frank and Samantha Langello

Food is Love,
Hilary

The Gift of Time

"Every weekend is so precious to us"- Erik's sincerity makes my heart ache.

We often focus on the things in our life that make us angry. The difficulties, the drama, the struggles. We spend our energy complaining about the lonely nights, lack of support, and the insane restaurant life that rubs off on our chefs. But at the end of the day, we have to make a choice about what we focus on. (Remind me of this when I'm down in the dumps)

Although Erik and I rarely get to spend time together, this lifestyle is truly all we know. The time we have is a rare gem in a mine of dirty coal. I want to spend more effort appreciating the time we have. It may be one day a week, even less on occasion, but it's our life. Erik and I are given the opportunity to relish our time together because it happens so sporadically. I think if he had a 9-5 schedule I wouldn't savor the moments we share. He wouldn't get up early so he could drop Maverik off at school. I wouldn't stay up late just to catch a few minutes with him. We wouldn't be us.

15 years ago I sat on a school bus in a band uniform accepting the beginning of something amazing. I would never have imagined the ride would be this spectacular.

Happy Anniversary, Erik

Food is Love (and today I feel full),
Hilary

Absentee Chef

Last year, Erik was traveling a lot for work. Sometimes up to a month at a time. It was really important to us both that he still be able to vote so he signed up to cast his vote via absentee ballot. Now he doesn't travel anymore for work, but works a set of hours that we are all familiar with- so he continues to vote in this way.

On his way to the mailbox he dropped his presidential absentee ballot and thought, "This absentee ballot is a metaphor for my life." 

That was incredibly sad to hear, and yet it is painfully true. He leads a double life .Chef and Erik. We talk all the time here about the things these chefs miss in life, but we rarely talk about how it affects them. I see my husband breaking down sometimes, getting overly tired, and drowning in his work. It never lasts long, but I think we should all be taking some time to consider the other side.

Food is Love,
Hilary