Desperate Chefs' Wives

Group hug.. oh how the thought seems so nice. My ...

2010-07-31T01:07:50.743-05:00

Group hug.. oh how the thought seems so nice. My chef has been at work for 96 hours straight now. I think I'm entering into the stage where I've forgotten what he actually looks, feels and smells like. We're only young and starting to get serious. What if this is as good as it gets?

I feel so bad that I'm forever nagging him about his job, but isn't that just a girl's way of showing that we care? Yes, I know it would take a massive life change for him to leave his job. It's who he is, he's Italian, it's in his blood. But what about our future? Doesn't that mean something, just like my happiness?

I went away recently for a week and it didn't even seem to phase him that I was 6 hours away and unable to come back for him at the drop of a hat. He was more concerned that no one would be around to wake him up in the morning.

So what I would like to know, how am I supposed to accept that this is our life? And more importantly, why do girls today still think that dating a chef is so romantic?

Time for that group hug ladies.

Hi Sarah T! Basketball and brewing...you are one a...

2010-07-30T12:37:54.839-05:00

Hi Sarah T!
Basketball and brewing...you are one awesome wife! I don't know if I could handle both at the same time :)

Hi Hilary! I escaped the heat soaked city for a w...

2010-07-30T12:34:51.514-05:00

Hi Hilary!
I escaped the heat soaked city for a while and have been a little MIA. Sorry! I guess I needed it more than I thought. Time to disconnect or reconnect rather with my thoughts. Funny thing is, even with time to relax, I still found it easy to get mired in the details of the day to day...ugh.
You know that I don't yet have children, so I can't speak to the feelings you must be going through. But children or no children, I know this is rough. We all have the "what the h" moments - how can I do this? how can he do this? how are we going to make it through?
I don't know the answers to these questions but I do know that I love my chef. I love my husband and he loves me. And somehow, that trust gets me through to the next day. I feel like we have more than most people do and when I stop to recognize that it makes me feel better.
Having this place to talk helps. I love KM's notation of a group hug! It's very true. Maybe we should talk more :) About the good and bad.
I've said it before - we are a special group. We all got on the roller coaster, and now we're all along for the crazy ride. Somedays, it makes me sick and other days it's a blast. But I like that we're all screaming together ;) hehe!

GROUP HUG!!!!!!!

2010-07-29T10:04:56.949-05:00

GROUP HUG!!!!!!!

I completely sympathize with what you are going th...

2010-07-28T16:08:32.579-05:00

I completely sympathize with what you are going through :( My husband is the executive chef of a high end restaurant in the city and we have 2 kids aged 10 (from my previous marriage)and 1. When I had our son last year it was such a huge change for me. I even went through a mild form of PPD.Coping with being married to a chef was one thing but coping with raising a baby while married to a chef was a whole different ball game. I'd like to consider myself as being a strong and independent career woman who comes home, makes dinner, takes them out for walks or extra curricular activities and bathes them and puts them to bed. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and I feel like I am single mother. My husband tells me that he does not want to be int he kitchen for the rest of his life (he's 37)and is in the planning phase of opening up his own restaurant. Cooking is his passion. He was born to be a chef and I could not picture him doing anything else. He tells me that owning his own restaurant would enable him to one day step away from the kitchen to spend more time with the family. He also warns me that it will get much worse before it gets better. I love my husband and I know he loves me completely. He is committed to me and our family and if it weren't for his unconventional working hours our relationship would be perfect. I am at a crossroad now and am feeling so much anxiety and stress at the thought of having my husband come home at 2am every night (except sundays and mondays) when he opens up his restaurant. I keep telling myself that I just need to be strong and that we will get through it with some sacrifices. But it's hard. VERY hard. And I question how much longer I can do this.

I can't tell you how happy I am to find you and this blog. I find comfort in knowing that there are other chef wives (with children) who are finding it difficult to cope with their husband/parnter's career choice. When I feel lonely and lost I come here and feel a little better.

I'll continue to try and work through this because I love my husband and believe in him. I just pray that we are strong enough to see this through together.

Hang in there Hilary. Ask for help from loved ones when you feel overwhelmed with the new baby and try and surround yourself with a good support system when you're feeling lonely.

Be courageous.

M.

You're not alone. There are so many Friday nights...

2010-07-27T21:49:16.610-05:00

You're not alone. There are so many Friday nights where I wish I was going out with my hubbie for dinner instead of calling it a night (alone) with a bottle of wine. I wish I could hunt for the best restaurant to make reservations for on Valentine's day, or catch a cheapie Tuesdays movie, or not have to wait until at least 11 pm to see (or hear from) him. Every time I think about this, I also think about him saying to me, "You knew when you got in a relationship with me that it would never be a normal relationship." Yes - that's true. And yes, I love him. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it sucks.

Wish we could get through this together! But just wanted to let you know you are not by yourself on this one :)

I feel for you. REALLY. The amount of time I spen...

2010-07-26T22:02:37.290-05:00

I feel for you. REALLY. The amount of time I spend feeling lonely and, dare I say it, SINGLE out weigh the time I spend enjoying my relationship. My heart goes out to you and little Maverik. I hope that it will get better for you when school starts up again. School tends to blur the stresses of our personal lives doesn't it? I'm secretly hoping for the same effect to wash over me come late August. However, I still wonder on a weekly basis if I'll even be able to see this out that far. Two and a half years now, and I've almost reached my tipping point. I'd like to start planning my future. I'd like to be engaged, married, planning a family...but nothing is ever set in stone when you like on a week by week schedule.

My chef has presented me with the declaration that he is "quitting cooking." This epiphany came after a fight that very nearly ended our relationship. The fight was about how we never see each other and have basically grown apart. (Of course I'm alone when it comes to seeing this as a problem) As hopeful as I'd like to be...I can't help but feel I'm cheating him out of the life that he wants and has worked his whole life for, if he does in fact leave the industry. He swears it's because he wants a family someday and has grown tired of never seeing his friends or family. However, the job hunt has not yet begun.

(sorry to vent as well)

I'm beginning to feel more and more that the harder I try to adjust my life to accommodate his lifestyle into mine, the more of myself I lose in the process.

I truly HONESTLY hope that you start to feel more positive Hilary. There's always a light at the end somewhere right? Maverik is a wonderful embodiment of that. Keep your chin up and know that there are people out there who feel more connected to you, this blog, and your situation than you might think sometimes. I like to envision it as a ridiculously large group hug.

Can't get enough of those right?

You have my email. I'd love to converse back and forth if you're in need of an unbiased ear now and again. (Or even more often than that :)

Best wishes, positive thoughts and wishes for cooler weather (!!!),
~K-M~

I understand! We don't have a baby, but I have bee...

2010-07-25T10:19:44.408-05:00

I understand! We don't have a baby, but I have been lonely too these last three weeks. My husband is in opening mode as well, getting a restaurant opened in Times Square. Working so much he's been staying in the hotel that the restaurant is connected to some nights, not even coming home. It's been rough! I feel for you girl, and I understand that sometimes you just need to vent!

Valerie-mother of 7? Girl-ypu are one hard worker!...

2010-07-25T08:30:40.862-05:00

Valerie-mother of 7? Girl-ypu are one hard worker! Good luck on the job search.

Have fun, 'chalking it up' this Sunday, Cindy.

I hear ya...must be a hard adjustment with the new...

2010-07-25T00:34:59.950-05:00

I hear ya...must be a hard adjustment with the new baby. I am a mother of 7 and stay home and there are days that I think I just might lose my mind for lack of adult interaction.

This is the 3rd restaurant that has shut-down on my chef. The hunt is on for a new job

I totally feel for you. My husband has been the o...

2010-07-24T21:50:07.329-05:00

I totally feel for you. My husband has been the opening chef for the hotel that he has been working in for almost a year and somehow they are still in opening mode! He has worked for almost a year 6 or more days a week with no vacation time at all. Sometimes I lose it. I know we are supposed grateful that he has a job in this economy but I feel like they have stolen a year of our lifes that we'll never get back. I can only hope that next year is better. I have this crazy dream that we'll sell enough chalkboards to get out of this crazy chef's life! (yes he does love what he does too- but this is crazy!) Tomorrow is his big day off and we are making chalkboards! lol
Sorry for venting too! We chefs wifes have to stick together:)
Guess we just have to count our blessings. Hang in there!

My husband delved into brewing a few years, and st...

2010-07-16T15:46:57.106-05:00

My husband delved into brewing a few years, and states ago. In Utah. Lucky for me we then went to Tx and then NC....not the best climate, except for a few months out of the year. So now, right along with the horribly annoying basketball season with the DAM* squeaky shoes all the time, comes the brewing.....And the dirty kitchen

DCW Jes - That sounds awesome. A professional 6 qt...

2010-07-13T21:12:45.226-05:00

DCW Jes - That sounds awesome. A professional 6 qt is going to provide hours of fun! Very Jealous.

Anon - OH charcuterie! Yes, I feel you on that one. We've made sausage before - grinding and all. It's like playing with adult play doh :)

I completely understand! My husband's newest inte...

2010-07-12T16:55:13.067-05:00

I completely understand!

My husband's newest interest is charcuterie. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to clean raw, slimy meat from the inside of a pastry bag and other small objects?? I'll spend an hour cleaning and sanitizing the kitchen after a batch of hot dogs.

But, they are so good! :-)

no no no! not a floor stand mixer. i finally got i...

2010-07-12T10:02:29.735-05:00

no no no! not a floor stand mixer. i finally got it...its huge for my tiny kitchen, we live in a 1 bedroom apartment. its a kitchenaid professional 600 6-quart stand mixer. the thing is huge!! and my husband made bread, he wanted to be the first to break it in. graduation doesnt happen until at least next year or so.

Hi Ladies! Thanks for the words of encouragement....

2010-07-08T23:00:30.032-05:00

Hi Ladies!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. The beer belly is a serious fear of mine Cindy ;) but I can't seem to say no. Its like drinking a meal after you already have dinner - ugh!
DCW Jess, first - do you mean a floor stand mixer? Good Lord lady, you must live in a mansion ;) haha! I have to say that sounds awesome though - great gift for sure. Congratulations on the wedding! Hope it's wonderful - now, when does graduation happen?

Hi BK As a chef's wife of almost 15 years, my husb...

2010-07-08T20:17:13.998-05:00

Hi BK
As a chef's wife of almost 15 years, my husband is not home enough to take over any part of the house. For a while last year when he was laid off, he was perfecting his bagel recipe (as we were trying to open a bagel shop) I made a corner of my kitchen the bagel corner by putting all of the supplies in a big wicker basket. The down side to all the delicious bagels that he made was that I was the taste tester and gained about 5-7 lbs!
Good luck with the brewery but watch out for the beer belly:)haha

Hello BK!! Welcome! I am on my way (2 days away) f...

2010-07-07T14:42:45.401-05:00

Hello BK!! Welcome! I am on my way (2 days away) from being a "real" chef's wife. I really can't say that my chef has science experiments here at home. I think that falls into my catergory. See, I am a culinary student also! haha. sorry, it makes me laugh. Everyone always asks "sooo, does that mean you guys make amazing food all the time at home?" or my favorite was "that is so unfair, all that talent in one home!" I try to keep my science experiments confined to one day things and try not to make too much of a mess. yes, i have a ton of dishes from making my very first batch of cream cheese mints (for my own wedding) but, i try to keep my messes to just dishes and delicious sweets! that may change when my future in-laws get here with (my) our wedding present....a kitchenaid stand mixer :) But to answer one of the other questions, its not too much to ask that he keep it confined to work...we are waiting for a house with a garage or a workroom area for the chef to brew beer or root beer at home.

haha! Love it :)

2010-07-05T20:23:15.190-05:00

haha! Love it :)

Hey, BB- I'm so excited for our new friend, too! Y...

2010-07-05T12:50:13.276-05:00

Hey, BB- I'm so excited for our new friend, too! You're going to love her! How are you these hot summer days?

Welcome, new DCW! I look forward to reading some ...

2010-07-05T12:25:52.695-05:00

Welcome, new DCW! I look forward to reading some of your posts.

bb

Ha ha!!! That's hilarious. Love it.

2010-07-03T22:26:07.322-05:00

Ha ha!!! That's hilarious. Love it.

Ahhh the story of being a chef's wife. I got bore...

2010-06-25T16:36:56.538-05:00

Ahhh the story of being a chef's wife. I got bored and started a website. http://www.chefwife.com

I love this blog too! I have been reluctant to ta...

2010-06-24T19:21:20.101-05:00

I love this blog too! I have been reluctant to talk about some of the things happening in my life, because god knows I could probably light up this blog with lots and lots of gossipy stuff about some of these NYC chefs--I just dislike that kind of thing. But I do check in to see what's going on, and it has been comforting to know that there is a source of support to be found here. I am glad to hear that you are more content now, and I hope all is well with you and your family. If anything, post some pictures! It's still YOUR blog. :)

Finding new friends is hard. My "friend" was there...

2010-06-23T23:18:01.604-05:00

Finding new friends is hard. My "friend" was there for me through a lot in my life, graduation, my pregnancy & trying to raise my daughter, me getting sober, etc. then, I got engaged. She told a mutual friend that she was mad about my ring because it didnt directly reflect the amount of money that my chef makes. Not in those words but that is the jist of what I understood. I know, ridiculous. So, I have hung out with her maybe 4 times in the last 2 months and hold her at arm's length. Our friendship will be forever changed because of her selfishness. And the worst timing! I have to find a new maid of honor!! Oh well.