Wanted: Some Serious Advice

Okay ladies, we have a fellow chef wife in need of our advice and support. She left a comment that leaves me concerned. I know the best hearts and minds in the world have crossed this blog, so I know we can help this woman in need.

Hello Hilary and all,

I'm so desperate for help, and I know this is totally off topic from sushi. But like I said, I'm desperate for help.

I believe my partner is suffering from depression and/or exhaustion from his job. He is the head chef in a new restaurant that is less than a year old. He is working close to 20 hours a day, 5 days a week.

He said he has seen a doctor, but he is still reluctant to tell me what happened. Until he is ready to tell me, I have no idea what to do.

Can anyone please, please give me some advice. What do I say? What do I do? Who do I talk to?

Food is Love,
Hilary

The Sunday Rule

It seems that there is an unspoken rule in the chefwife world-the Sunday Rule. With my chef working so much during the week and the better half of the weekend, Sundays are sacred. I never make plans with anyone but my chef on Sundays or Mondays. I'm never available for haircuts, meetings, or parties on those days. Never. I spend my whole week wishing my chef were home more and that wishing certainly isn't wasted. I know I'm not the only one because when my chefwife pal, J and I try to make plans we always skip over Sundays. We never have to say why, but we know. And we don't even call each other on Sundays. That last goodbye squeeze late Saturday night is like a final farewell until the next Saturday. The invisible "do not disturb" sign is hung. It's chef time now.

DCW_NYC
-Hilary-

Tame the Beast

Your chef is working. (duh) You're all alone at home. Your stomach is growling, you're starving. And at the lowest point in the food stock, you open up the fridge ..and if you're like me all you see is a door full of condiments and a couple of water bottles. The pantry is no better. A box of pudding mix, a handful of stale chips crumbled at the bottom of the bag, and a box of waffle cones.

Have you reached this point? Have you eaten something shameless? I know I have! Not too long ago I was faced with a lack of food and it was too late to order in. So I made some frozen ravioli. There wasn't any sauce either so I topped it with that spray butter you're supposed to put on corn on the cob. I've topped a dry frozen burrito with a slice of American cheese. I've cut up some way old iceberg to make a salad and since there was no dressing I added some super thick raspberry jelly/sauce. SICK. Every bite was worse than the last, but the growling beast in my stomach had to be tamed.

So what have you eaten in desperation??

DCW_ NYC
-Hilary-

chefHUSBAND vs. chefWIFE

When will this madness end? I suppose not soon since I just entitled this blog, "It's On!". Whatever. So I could hardly concentrate on a language arts workshop I was attending because of a provocative comment from Tina Barry regarding Mr. ChefHusband that was forwarded to my iPhone earlier today:

Your wife of five months works two 12-hour days a week and you "can't deal with
it." Oh, boy, you're a gem. Here's a thought. How about being supportive. How
about not looking for things to pick on like her one old credit card. How about
saying, this is my wife's dream and I'm going to help make it happen for her.Man
up guy and start being a husband.

I set up this blog as a place for women-and men-to visit when they need advice as well as the validation that being married to a ghost isn't all that crazy. I've heard testimonials from women who have entered the site then come to a mini epiphany, "My chef isn't the only one who smells up the hamper like fresh grouper and onions?" It was a harmonious place hear with stories of struggles and sacrifice, accomplishments and awards. But then came THE MAN. Mr. Chefhusband came on the scene with the same complaints and fears as any of us. But some of you brutalized and crucified him with sarcastic and nasty comments. Two separate comments declared that he must "be a man" or "man up". WHAAAT? I know you didn't just say that in 2009, on MLK weekend, a few days before we elect our first black president! Maybe I'm getting carried away, probably not though.



So, because Mr. Chefhusband is a male he should deal with the miserable marriage that's clearly not working for him? And because the majority of us are women we can harp on and on, complaining to each other, setting up blogs and forums dedicated to supporting each other? Why isn't he allowed the same right?



A man, a woman, gay, straight? I didn't set this blog up as a place for criticism against our fellow chefswives OR chefshusbands. If you are lonely at home, feeling neglected, and questioning your marriage to a chef-then this is the place for you. However, if you are only interested in harming others who are married to chefs, then please-leave. I understand the risks of saying something like this on a blog that hardly generates enough traffic as it is. I'd rather have a supportive, positive blog with 2 viewers than one with destructive comments generating million visitors a day.

Plus, you never know who might run a story on this homegrown blog.

DCW_NYC

-Hilary-

Moving

Somewhere between California and New York....Kansas I think.

It seems as though the subject of moving is quite serious and surprisingly important to chefswives. After all, the success of their careers is oftentimes dictated by the city they live in. And you know they can't live without us. I'm not sure if anyone besides me would be willing to share their feelings of resentment towards their chefs for "making them" move.





I know I suffered the first year I live in NY. I hated it here. I hated being far from my family, I hated having not a single friend AND being left alone each night that Erik was working the line. "Why did I move here?...This is all his fault....I'm miserable". Oh yeah, I had some deep resentment, and I still do. I'd like to think that if Erik's job wasn't restraining him to NYC that we'd live on a small 15 acre farm outside of Columbus, Ohio. We'd spend long weekend with my family, host wiener roasts and canoe trips. The state of my dream life, though vivid, is still a dream.





I the end, I love where we live now and I'm pleased with my decisions to move to NY with Erik. Being married to a chef comes with so many things, one of them being a one way ticket to WhereHeWantsToLive-ville.





Knowing all of the heartache I suffered the first year out here I don't think I'd change a thing. And tomorrow if Jean-Georges offered Erik a job in Europe, I'd go. In a heartbeat.





DCW_NYC


-Hilary-





Don't forget to answer the poll on the right.

ChefWife Advice

SK from Chicago left a comment on a previous post today. She'd like our advice and since you are the best advice givers I know I thought I'd share her quandry again so we can leave comments to help her out.

Hello all...I am not married to a chef (cook, as it were), but I am in a
very serious relationship with one. He's currently working in Vegas (while I'm
still in Chicago) and was planning on being back in August, but after three
months he had a wonderful opportunity: they brought in people from Europe and
had him interview with them. On the spot he had to whip up a four course meal,
etc. and blew them away. Now they're setting him up for some place in Europe (we
still don't even have the full details) and it sounds like they want him there
sometime after the first of January.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance in this. I'm a very family
oriented person, and I'm very close with mine, but I don't know if I should try
to go with him or if its better to end things here. We've only just started
talking about it, and I know he's going to take this opportunity which I do not
blame him for, it's amazing. But we're not quite at the marriage stage yet, and
now that I'm reading some of what these women go through with families... being
in the one I was in, I don't know if I could handle it. I want kids, and so does
he, but I never wanted to be a single mom and it sounds as if that's what I'd be
in line for.I guess I'm just looking for some advice on making this extremely
difficult decision. Some perspective from people who have been there.

SK - Chicago

My advice: TALK! Talk to him! Is this the type of man you want to be with forever? Would you be willing to move? Willing to visit? Willing to live without him. Having a chef boyfriend who lives in Europe isn't all that much worse than living in the same home as one. But of course, it's also much, much diffferent. If you're not completely committed to long distance phone calls at odd hours in the night, no dating, no sex, and no person-to-person companionship, then it might be time to say good-bye.

Chef Wife Health Life Update

After walking with the ten thousand pound weight of not knowing, I finally found out what is going on with my heart. The doctor looked over the results with me and told that my heart pumps an extra beat occasionally in my lower right chamber. I was in such a daze when he was telling me all of this that I forgot what it's called. But in the comment below you can see that the Los Angeles Nurse Rosen reminded me they're called Premature Ventricular Contractions (PVC). The feeling doesn't last long and when my heart speeds up it doesn't speed up all that much. I just have to drink more fluids, and get more Potassium in my diet. (I ate two bananas today!)

The best part of learning the results was that Erik came with me! I was so grateful that he did that. It may seem like something all husbands "should" do, but it means the world to me that mine chose to.

DCW_NYC
-Hilary-