I'm Not Perfect!

It has been two years this month that I started The Desperate Chefs' Wives blog and I am so pleased with where it has taken me. I used to be such a grouchy, angry chefwife and I thought my life was something terrible. Well, after meeting other women who have the same life I realized that I can either be miserable or create a new normal. My new normal is that my husband works nights, weekends, and holidays and that's it. Period. I've accepted it. BUT. I'm still not perfect.

My husband's sous chef is taking two weeks off in July to get married. So Erik has to work 17 doubles in a row-no weekends. I'm so livid with this whole situation. I'm angry that there is no one else who can help my husband at the restaurant and I'm annoyed that I have to deal with an overworked-underpaid chef for 17 days in a row.

Last night, Erik was asking me why can't I just be supportive, like I usually am? I don't know. Perhaps it's because I'm not perfect. I can only smile so much, blog so many times, spend time alone so many nights before it all catches up to me. Erik might as well be on another planet for 17 days because there is no way I'll ever see him. He'll leave every day at 9 and get home at 1 AM or later. On top of that, I only work part-time at the school in the summer so I don't have many work things to occupy my time. I just don't think I'm going to be able to handle it this time.

Food is Love,
Hilary

Feed the Kids

A well known chef recently told me that his daughter only eats food that is white in color. I know how picky kids can be, but how do chefs react to that? Do your chefhusbands cook kid -friendly meals like PB & J and mac and cheese or are your children exposed to premium cuts of beef, caviar, and oysters? I don't know how Erik will cook for our children someday. He'll probably cook normal kid food but also expose them to a new and exotic foods.

Food is Love

Hilary

chefHUSBAND vs. chefWIFE

When will this madness end? I suppose not soon since I just entitled this blog, "It's On!". Whatever. So I could hardly concentrate on a language arts workshop I was attending because of a provocative comment from Tina Barry regarding Mr. ChefHusband that was forwarded to my iPhone earlier today:

Your wife of five months works two 12-hour days a week and you "can't deal with
it." Oh, boy, you're a gem. Here's a thought. How about being supportive. How
about not looking for things to pick on like her one old credit card. How about
saying, this is my wife's dream and I'm going to help make it happen for her.Man
up guy and start being a husband.

I set up this blog as a place for women-and men-to visit when they need advice as well as the validation that being married to a ghost isn't all that crazy. I've heard testimonials from women who have entered the site then come to a mini epiphany, "My chef isn't the only one who smells up the hamper like fresh grouper and onions?" It was a harmonious place hear with stories of struggles and sacrifice, accomplishments and awards. But then came THE MAN. Mr. Chefhusband came on the scene with the same complaints and fears as any of us. But some of you brutalized and crucified him with sarcastic and nasty comments. Two separate comments declared that he must "be a man" or "man up". WHAAAT? I know you didn't just say that in 2009, on MLK weekend, a few days before we elect our first black president! Maybe I'm getting carried away, probably not though.



So, because Mr. Chefhusband is a male he should deal with the miserable marriage that's clearly not working for him? And because the majority of us are women we can harp on and on, complaining to each other, setting up blogs and forums dedicated to supporting each other? Why isn't he allowed the same right?



A man, a woman, gay, straight? I didn't set this blog up as a place for criticism against our fellow chefswives OR chefshusbands. If you are lonely at home, feeling neglected, and questioning your marriage to a chef-then this is the place for you. However, if you are only interested in harming others who are married to chefs, then please-leave. I understand the risks of saying something like this on a blog that hardly generates enough traffic as it is. I'd rather have a supportive, positive blog with 2 viewers than one with destructive comments generating million visitors a day.

Plus, you never know who might run a story on this homegrown blog.

DCW_NYC

-Hilary-

Tell Me!

A solid marriage should be based on a many number of things. Trust, love, friendship, respect...I'm sure you could all add some of your own. But what about communication? Yes, discussing concerns and being honest is necessary but I'm wondering how much communication is necessary regarding each others' careers. By the end of September, Erik will know all the names of my students, which ones are struggling in math, and which ones make me laugh. But sometimes I feel like Erik only shares his work stories when they're pleasant.

Last Monday his phone rang and I could tell right away by his tone that it was the kitchen calling. Later while we were shopping he got another call, this time sounding more intense and worried. Finally, at the end of the day he got another call and went into the bedroom and closed the door! What the heck is going on? I couldn't even spy. I asked him several times throughout the day what was going on, but he didn't want to spill it. Eventually when Erik was able to relax about the situation he told me about it and it really wasn't a big deal.

So how come he doesn't want to talk about it? I feel useless if I can't console him about kitchen nightmares (ha ha). But seriously people, I feel so left out when I don't know everything. I suppose I should try and relax about it, and trust that if Erik needed to vent he could.

DCW_NYC

-Hilary-

We're Not Leaving

DumboNYC reported yesterday that a lecture in Brooklyn was addressing the issue of "Chefs, and why their wives always leave". I could do a 6 hour lecture on why the word ALWAYS in that statement is completely absurd. Come on! Always? I can name tons of wives who have stayed, and tons who have left. Yes, this blog is based on the idea that women married to chefs need support-we all know why-but we are also a group of strong, passionate, supportive women who intend on connecting with our chefs for a very long time.

Were any you at this lecture? I'd like to know how it was. I might even contact Mr. Rene Ortiz to see what he has to say about this. I also might not.

Thanks Passion for sending us the link!

DCW_Columbus,OHIO

-Hilary-

Too Much of a Good Thing

I can only do this alone.

After spending 9 days with my chef on our vacation I started to get, well, a little tired of him. Am I an awful wife? For the last several years I have been spending my evenings alone. Dinner alone, cleaning alone, TV alone-you get the idea I'm sure. This life of solitude has many downfalls...read this very blog for examples...but it also has its upsides. After all, if there were no positives then I'd go crazy. So the good parts: I can take long showers at night, watch whatever I want on TV, and get some serious "me" time. Some things can only be done alone, like singing outloud to Legally Blonde the musical, plucking my eyebrows, and watching Seinfeld. Last week towards the end of my vacation I got a little cranky and realized I hadn't spent time alone all week. I just wanted to be alone. Do nothing and say nothing. Erik was great about it and left me to wander around the internet for a while. I felt bad, but I was grateful for the time.

Does this happen to anyone else? Please tell me I'm not alone in wanting to be alone.

Although I'd choose to have my husband home more over anything else in the world, I do value my personal time that I've learned to love.


DCW_NYC
-Hilary-

Out The Door

We already went to the park once today. It seemed like a natural buzz to be there by the river with the breeze blowing the 95 degree heat into a seemingly peaceful 83 degree warmth. It's just now 8 o'clock and we were about to go again. I hear his phone ring, he doesn't, I bring it over to him, it's Perry St calling, he has to come in. DAMN IT. Jacques Something from the Michelin Guide is eating in 30 minutes. Erik's out the door. You know, if he was going to be on call like this, why not become a doctor? At least docs are on call to save lives and make BANK. My life is what it is. I am grateful for what I have. (that's my affirmation for the night)

DCW_NYC
-Hilary-

Battle Scars

Thanks to Jessica Park for sharing this picture of her lovely chef, Bill. I almost didn't see the baby in the picture-the scar trumps all. Just kidding, Jessica your son is adorable-but probably much, much bigger now.

Thanks again for emailing the picture to me!

Gotta love those "mangled" chefs.

DCW_NYC

-Hilary-

ChefWife SexLife

quality time, date nights, going out in the DAYLIGHT...

....things that suffer from being married to a chef. DingDingDing!

But do we need to add sex life to the list? I cannot believe I haven't blogged on this topic yet. Thanks go to an anonymous chefwife for bringing this to my attention. She mentioned possibly having to schedule snuggle time into her life. Hey, whatever works, right?

As for my chef and me-things are great and I would never complain about that. (well, not on here at least! ) A long time ago Erik said to me that intimacy should never be the most important thing in a relationship, but that it should be important. We keep that in mind and it's important to know that rolling in the sheets is always a connection between two people and you can make it as romantic or scandalous as you wish. But those chefs are good at making themselves completely undesirable when they come home with a foot odor that is clearly visible in the air.

Are there any daring chefs' wives who would like to offer their advice or present intimate situations? You can comment totally anonymously, too.

DCW_NYC
-H-

View From the Outside

Most people I know are not in relationships with chefs yet their reactions to my husband's career is humorous to say the very least.

Does my husband make his own "sauce"? Nope. I'll be honest and say my man uses sauce out of a jar. When he does have time to make sauce from scratch we won't be anywhere near the kitchen. (yee-ah Roy)

Do I cook for my husband? Why wouldn't I? I'm not scared of what he'll say about my cooking. I don't expect him to be able to explain to an eight year old how to "borrow and carry over"

Do we watch the Food Network? Sure we do, I'm all over Unwrapped. But NO my husband does NOT find inspiration from the Food Network.

Have you ever been asked questions that get you a little annoyed? Let me know!

DCW_NYC
-H-

Ex-chef wife gets BIG MONEY

Chef John Burton Race and his mistress bag hag.

This story is copy and pasted from Daily Mail and its gooood. I'll make it easier on you and highlight the most read worthy quotes and tid bits.

Cheating chef walks out on his family for mistress and secret child

By LUKE SALKELD

Last updated at 08:27am on 20th March 2007
He describes himself as a devoted husband and relocated his family to France so he could "spend more time with them". But celebrity chef John Burton Race has left his wife Kim feeling betrayed after leaving her and their six children for another woman - who secretly had his child.

The flamboyant 49-year-old restaurateur, currently based in Dartmouth, Devon, has a two-year-old son with 40-year-old Susan Ward, his agent's former personal assistant.

The source added: "John has admitted to Kim that he has a child with this other woman."
Susan Ward is believed now to sell greetings cards. Burton Race has been away filming his latest TV series but Kim, 42, his second wife, confirmed that he had walked out on the family.
She said: "The children and I are feeling betrayed and very fragile at what we have discovered."
On his website, Burton Race modestly describes himself as "a television natural, discerning author, shrewd businessman, eloquent orator, devoted husband, father of six, dog walker of two". He adds that he is "a culinary genius and a big softie at heart".

The three-time Michelin starred chef has moved in with mistress Susan Ward.

According to a source close to the family, he has been seeing her for more than three years "so maybe he moved his family to Devon just so he could be near her".

Burton Race was featured in the Channel 4 series French Leave and Return of the Chef.
He uprooted his wife and children to France and then Devon in his "quest for fine ingredients", saying he hoped to "rediscover his family, his love of cooking and his creativity".
The resulting pressures and arguments were lovingly recorded by a camera crew. Burton Race described himself to one interviewer as a "loud-mouthed, disagreeable, arrogant git".
He added: "I've had a wife who's in the business, and that has its problems, and I've had a wife who isn't in the business, and that has its problems.

"I'm not saying chefs are better off alone. They need someone to care for them, too.

"But if you're attracted to the madness of a chef, the excitement of him, why spend all your life trying to mould him into being someone else? Get another bloke."

His current restaurant, the New Angel, opened in May 2004. It won a Michelin star within three months and both he and his wife have worked hard to make it a success. They have two children, Charles, nine, and Amelia, eight, while Kim has four children from her previous marriage, Eve, 20, Amelia, 18, Martha, 17, and Eliza, 11.

The couple met 11 years ago on a Caribbean island at a mutual friend's birthday party.
Both were married at the time, and Burton Race went through a bitter divorce from his French first wife, with whom he has two more children.

Like many chefs, Burton Race has a fiery temper.

Two years ago, armed police swooped on his home after a 999 call reporting that he had threatened to shoot stepdaughter Eve's boyfriend.

An update on the settlement: John is ordered to pay his ex-chefs' wife $7.2 million.

Me? Ask me any other day about women getting loads of money from divorce settlements and I'm usually the first to disagree with paying them out. But cheating...I don't know. If I were her, I would want it all too. Sweet revenge.

At least the cheating sack was right about one thing: chefs do need someone to care for them.

Thank you, CHEFSWIVES.

DCW_NYC

-H-

Says GQ

The August issue of GQ ran a blurb about kitchens and cooking and knives and all things such with a "5 Things You Don't" list. Nothing was worth making a reality show after, but number 5-decide for your self:

"A Sous Chef. Cooking with your wife guarantees a ferocious screaming match. Unless you're true soul mates, cook alone. Trust us."

hmm.

Trust us? Who's us? A 32 year old male writer with a corner office who's never dated a chef let alone cooked anything but burgers with with his other baseball cap wearing Hobokenites? ( i might be terribly wrong. but im not. probably)

So I'm a little annoyed. No, I'd never cook with my chef, not my thing. But I certainly don't want anyone telling me I can't.

And I know there are a lot of chefswives out there who do cook with their hubbies. So I'm sticking up for you. Speak up.

It's cool though. I like GQ-except for the food and wine writer Alan whatever his name is. I'll complain about that later.

DCW_NYC

-H-

Chef Wife Husband (The Simple Definition)

Chef Wife Husband – (noun) – a chef in a relationship with – although not necessarily married to – a chef wife. Usually has only one career, but spends what little time he has outside of work trying to make his chef wife happier and more tolerant of how much time he is spending at work. Understands terms such as: “sacrifice”, “hard work”, and “sleep deprivation”. Doesn’t understand but deals with concepts like: chef wives constant complaining about how much they work, the general assumption that we work holidays by choice (and do it just to spite them), the complaints of having cheap and quickly prepared meals after working a 16 hour days (We don’t ask you to continue to do your jobs when you get home after working for only half as long as we have), chef wives’ general feeling of “if you are only awake for 1 hour per day outside of work, then you better do everything in your power to make it the greatest hour of my life”, and the always prevalent entitled attitude. After all, aren’t we working this hard so we can become “big deals” and create a better life for the both of us?

written by the chef himself.

The Fine Print

I'm passing along this article to you my chefwife friends and other lovers of all things DCW because my mother-in-law gave it to me and well, it's worth passing on.

I certainly don't endorse everything said in the article, but for the most part-it sounds about right. EXCEPT for #7...you CAN change a man...and they can CHANGE you. Don't believe me? I don't care. Changing people isn't bad. It's when our attitude becomes static that we become ignorant and repulsive.

So have a read:

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

DCW_NYC

-H-

After I Do

Some women coax, others just have to bat their eyes, some would even get pregnant-but whatever it takes women get what they want-in this case a man. A husband. A lifelong partner and lover. But once you've got him once you are happily wed and treading into marital bliss-then the trouble arises like a rip tide.

My whole life (at least the 8 years of dating my chef) I thought our relationship would get easier, almost simplistic when we jumped in and said "I do" (Actually we said "I will", but its the same...I hope) However once our marriage completely saturated us I realized that being married is harder than it seems. Everything is a big deal that cannot be solved with crying or yelling or sex. Not that those things really worked before but now they especially didn't work.

Without bearing the a sea of details regarding my marriage and thus my life I will only say that marrying a chef goes beyond long hours and dinner for one. Being married to a chef means being married to his restaurant. It means the possibility of being asked to give up what you want. It means having to wait and wait and wait because as we all know, "It will get better". It means your husband loves his job just as much as he loves you.

But I don't mind. How can I? The passion that drives them to do the work they do is the same passion that drives them throughout every aspect of their lives. That is something that I can appreciate. I embrace the marriage that makes us different from everyone else. Cherish the time we have together as short as it is. Continue to make memories, smile, and take everything in stride.
And blog about it-that helps too :-)

DCW_NYC
-H-

Welcome to the Chefs Wives Club

Where on earth do I begin? Well, why not the beginning? My husband is a chef for a very prominent restaurateur/celebrity chef here in...where else? NewYorkCity. About 3 years ago we moved here from the suburbian wasteland of Los Angeles so that he could pursue his dream of working long hours and getting paid 3 beans a day. Ok, ok, the truth is, he came here to be a 'new york city chef' because really now, where else would anyone want to work? As any chef wife/girlfriend/siginificant other knows-chefs work long exhausting hours that takes a toll on us! So instead of fighting a losing battle with a gazillion dollar a year profiting industry, I decided to join them. Oh no, I dont work at any restaurant (do I seem that crazy?) but I do take an active, appropriate interest in what drives this massive thing. So here I am now with a blog set up for people to converse about all the drama that goes on inside the kitchens, restaurants, bars, and oftentimes-alleyways. Of course I will change names to protect people, but if its not a HUGE deal, I'll blab every little tiny detail.

Let me please reiterate that the chefs wives club is for all people STUCK to a chef in one form or another. If I excluded it to wives, I might only hear back from 7-15 people. After all, who in their right mind would willingly promise to spend their WHOLE LIVES with a chef? Oh yeah, me. Oops. Hey, you can't blame me, he was my high school sweet heart. How charming, huh? Well don't get used to it, thats probably the only 'sweet' thing you'll see on this website.

Enjoy.

And please, feel free to share the stories, gossip, drama, and heartache. If we all stick together, we might actually get through it.
DCW_NYC
-H-