Speak Up

Friday, July 11, 2008

We're Not Leaving

DumboNYC reported yesterday that a lecture in Brooklyn was addressing the issue of "Chefs, and why their wives always leave". I could do a 6 hour lecture on why the word ALWAYS in that statement is completely absurd. Come on! Always? I can name tons of wives who have stayed, and tons who have left. Yes, this blog is based on the idea that women married to chefs need support-we all know why-but we are also a group of strong, passionate, supportive women who intend on connecting with our chefs for a very long time.

Were any you at this lecture? I'd like to know how it was. I might even contact Mr. Rene Ortiz to see what he has to say about this. I also might not.

Thanks Passion for sending us the link!


Anonymous said...

I'm going to check that out!
You're right....always?....NOT always!

Anonymous said...

I do not intend on leaving, EVER!! He's stuck, so am I, and damn I'm happy!


Anonymous said...

How about interviewing him?


Hilary Battes said...

I love these comments so much! Go us! I'm glad everyone is content and LOVING their chef!

Passion, I'm working on getting a hold of him.

Chef's Widow said...

I would have loved to hear this-

I could have written it myself. The thought of leaving has crossed my mind but then I think how would I eat? And I go back to being married to a ghost.

Seriously though anyone who marries a chef knows wtf they are getting themselves into. I think the problem may be that women marry chefs be/c of some kind of status and when their chef doesn't make it big time they walk.

Anonymous said...

I am a converted ChefWife. I started out as a normal wife, and then seven years into our marriage, we decided to take the plunge, have my husband go to culinary school, and now he has graduated and is working the line.

The whole divorce thing did scare me when we first made our decision, but I found this blog and Chef's Widow's blog and saw that women and chefs do make it work.

Plus, my husband is my best friend, and I realized whatever he did for work, he would always be my best friend. I was right, we're making it work and although we don't see each other as much as we'd like, we're happier than ever.

Jennifer Queen of Moser said...

Honestly, divorce has crossed my mind, but it's usually after a run of 6 or 7 14 hour days, when we haven't seen chef for more than 10 mins. in the morning....you all know how that feels....but, when we have a chance to reconnect and have family time, i'm reminded of how much i love him.

chef wifery ain't easy, and I'm so happy I've found some support here.

go us!!

Anonymous said...

Good points:

Chefwives and Chefs MAKE it work.
A few marry for status/money and have no career or life outside the chefs. (This is not to say that is you don't have a career outside the chefs-it's bad.) Just that most of the obvious gold diggers out there, they do live off of their money making partners or they have better jobs because of them.


Anonymous said...

Since we're presently going through this, I have to say that I don't think it's got anything to do with him being a chef. It makes it harder, much harder really, but the reason we're calling it quits has more to do with his issues (addiction) than his career. I was a pastry chef before we had children, I knew all too well the ins and outs, it's a massive challenge to be married & stay married, that challenge is quickly compounded by kids, the pressures of running a restaurant, and a bazillion other random things. Believe me, divorce was my absolute last option, but one person can do the work for two for only so long. I think that the chef's ego (just in general terms here) can play a defining role, as with anything, when you let it get bigger than your relationship, you're doomed.

Anonymous said...

Being a Chef wife is very much a difficult role to play with the hours and typical habits of 'chefs'. I don't think it is the career that causes the divorce. My chef and I have had struggles but outweighing that we have had more amazing times together. I think if you have great communication and are open about what expectations you have of each other it makes it a whole lot easier. Our lives are completely engulfed in food/restaurants and we are currently pursuing our own restaurant. I think a chef wife has to be 110% supportive and has to also share the same passion whether it is in food or the passion to watch her husband work hard and succeed at what he does best. Doesn't any wife of any husband?

Anonymous said...

I know this chef, I was very supportive of his career and was often thanked by him for managing it, and cultivating it. I came from a family in the hospitality industry and knew the deal with chefs. But after his ego got so large it included an affair with a co-worker, I chose to save my dignity and pull the plug after 8yrs. The "work" was his perfect alibi for lies and infidelity. So to all you chef wives good luck and never lose your identity and become ghost of yourselves for your chef.

Anonymous said...

Wow! This is all so interesting to read. Well, I know this chef too. He is my partner of over 4 years, and the father of my child.

He wasn't really talking about himself. Yes indeed it is tough to be a chefs wife (though we are not married). If you went to the lecture, you would know the subtext to the title of the lecture. He basically said that it is unfortunate that the career becomes the 'mistress'. SOME chefs hide behind the demands of the job(drugs, alcohol, women), while others feel 'dammed if they do, damned if they don't'. While trying to provide for his family he lost sight of what was really important...BEING with his family. He also spoke of how he made the choice to concentrate on his family, and that was all important.

You can stereotype chefs, but I assure you, this one has been pegged wrong. This man does not go without faults, but he is a good, honest man, and a wonderful partner and father. Oh yeah, and a flippin good chef!