Speak Up

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lonely

One of the biggest problems that I face, and maybe one that you face, is loneliness. I write about this topic often but recently it's been a little more pressing on my mind. I've never been the type of person who has a large circle of friends. When I used to watch 90210 type shows I'd wish I had a gang of friends who all ate at the local hangout. But as much as I wished for it, I never really wanted it either, if that makes sense. I'm just not that type of person. And it's a shame too because when you're married to a chef you spend a lot of time alone. I would totally be at the Peach Pit every night laughing with my head back listening to the latest hits on the radio. But I'm not. I'm at home nearly every night. I spend hours working on the computer for either the blog, or work, or whatever. I clean. I pay some bills. I grade papers. It is what it is. But I'm getting annoyed with it. I wanted to go to the neighborhood block party tonight but going alone seemed a lot less fun than watching Secret Life of the American Teenager. This is my life.

I wonder if I'm really good at my job because I have no other "life" to commit to. I've got so much time to devote to my school. I don't have a husband to be home for. I don't have dinner to make. I live the life of a single woman. OMG, I even have the cats to go with the typical cliche. Yikes!

I tried talking to Erik about it but he didn't seem to take me seriously. Maybe he was trying to block the conversation since they are painful feelings. Maybe he stressed about Rest. Week. Who knows. I mentioned in a previous post that I try to think of things in terms of needs. I have a need to feel useful and being alone most evenings makes me feel useless.

I can't wait for September. Or a baby.
DCW_NYC
-Hilary-

13 comments:

Go Erin Go said...

Oh I feel for you DCW! My chef and I are preparing to move and last week was me, alone in the evenings, packing. It was quite sad and very lonely. I tried to make plans with a few friends, but everyone was busy.

Can't really give you advice, but I can give you support.

Any chance you can squeeze one more trip home before the schoolyear starts?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post, it reminds me that I'm not the only one feeling this way. It sure is hard sometimes it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

my chef and i actually have a baby on the way...due in a few weeks. at first i thought it would be a great distraction from the lonliness, but the closer it gets the more nervous i am about feeling like an abondoned single mom. it's nice to have distractions but i think the bottom line is we're all lonely most of the time. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one though...

Amanda said...

Change "cats" to "dog" and I could've written this post! I don't have any advice really aside from echoing erin - I feel for you too. It's just me, the dog, and the dvr cable box every night.

Anonymous said...

I think the key is reaching out. Look at this blog and how it touches so many people. Look for an Ethyl Mertz to your Lucy. I think that may be what you really need.

Anonymous said...

I often feel the same way... evenings alone with junk food and old movies seem to scream my name. I call girlfriends to hang out but they're usually busy seeing their own boyfriends who have just gotten home from work. I just feel like I'm always by myself. I've tried to fill my time with reading lots of books in cafes (so I'm actually OUT), obsessively doing my nails; I even joined a yoga studio. And the nice thing is I realized that I do enjoy my alone time, and that I've learned more about myself than I ever have at any other point in my life. And when my boyfriend comes home I can't wait to talk to him! :)

ChefWife said...

I obsess over my nails too! When I give myself a mani/pedi I spend like an hour on it! Oh, and congrats to the anonymous chef wifer who's having a baby in a week!! That's wonderful! I do an Ethel. I've got my BFFChefWife J but she's too far to hang during the week and we both work soo much.

Jessica Conant-Park said...

I'm an only child so I think that's come in handy when dealing with the many nights alone. I've gotten so used to it that the nights the chef is home, I feel a bit out of sorts!

And to our chefwife who is having a baby: you can do it! And the chef is good for a late night feeding if/when you use bottles! We are all here to support you!

ChefWife said...

Until we had a baby, I actually felt like I had the best of both worlds - I had a lot of independence to do what I wanted with my friends, spend a lot of time on my job (i'm a teacher too and they would have to kick me out of the building some nights!) but I also knew I had a loving, caring partner that I got to spend time with (occasionally). And I'm a homebody by nature, so I don't mind hanging out at home and reading/TV.

But having a baby changed that - we also moved to another neighborhood closer to work and not near so many of my friends/places. Last fall and winter were REALLY hard and isolating, and then I went back to work in the spring and I felt like a single mother. Summer is good to be home with my sweet little baby and we go to the restaurant for lunch a few times a week, so we can see my baby daddy during daylight hours.

And I don't know why everyone is talking about how they have food - my chef never/rarely feeds me on a regular basis, once or twice a week TOPS, and now I find it almost impossible to get to the grocery store. What a pain.

Nic said...

Goo I totally sympathize. My hubby's restaurant just recently took off and he's home later and less frequently. Two weeks ago, I hadn't seen him in days, my grandparents were in the hospital (both of them), then the toilet broke and our entire place flooded, meanwhile I had finally made myself get out of the house and wasn't there to shut off the water. Needless to say, I had a mini-breakdown when he left me on the sofabed to go to work the next day with the bedroom a total swamp. Sure, there are family and friends to comfort you, but it's just not the same.

Me = you except with the Fab Five on Lifetime. A grocery store trip with hubby is like a special date never mind him actually cooking for me! When he does, I am a total braggart but feel silly at the same time. Should I really be this jazzed that my hubby cooked for me? Is it really that exciting?? Isn't that kind of sad that it IS?

Anonymous said...

Alone, yes all the time. I can totally relate. I've been together with my chef for a year and a half. The lonliness is beginning to wear on me. Not to mention the fact that he is tired all the time. When I try to talk to him, well he just doesn't seem to get what it's like for me, for all of us to be without our partners. It usualy turns into a conversation about how hard he works (Ya I already know I've heard it before). What's a girl to do? Get out before it's too late or hold onto a good man who's gone all the time?
M.I.O
Portland, OR

Anonymous said...

Alone, yes all the time. I can totally relate. I've been together with my chef for a year and a half. The lonliness is beginning to wear on me. Not to mention the fact that he is tired all the time. When I try to talk to him, well he just doesn't seem to get what it's like for me, for all of us to be without our partners. It usualy turns into a conversation about how hard he works (Ya I already know I've heard it before). What's a girl to do? Get out before it's too late or hold onto a good man who's gone all the time?
M.I.O
Portland, OR

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all the well wishes on our new baby to be!