Speak Up

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Big D

And I'm not talking about cup size here- The big D-divorce. We are long past the days of after school specials and sit-coms preaching to us that its never the fault of the kids and all that stuff. Is it just me or was the concept of divorce more talked about in the 80s? Nonetheless, divorce still happens. All the time. Both Erik and I are the children of divorced parents, but so what to me. All the family drama I have has nothing to do with the fact that my parents aren't married. I'm sure things would be intolerable if they had, in fact, remained wed.

In high stress marriages such as being married to a chef I would imagine that the idea of divorce comes up often. Not often as in every month, but often as in many of these types of relationships must be strained. I'll be honest and say the idea has floated through my mind in the heat of arguments, but I've never considered it an option. I love my husband and  although the pain of being without him most days and nights does exist, it certainly doesn't weigh enough on me to call it quits. But I'd be the first person to understand that these types of relationships don't always work.

Has anyone considered divorce? Been through it yourself? Maybe your relationship with your chef is your second marriage....or his? Of course-your comments are encouraged to be as anonymous as you like.

I suppose my purpose in writing this is to see if there is anyone out there who is contemplating the big D and is in need of an ear and an audience to give constructive advice and encouragement.

Food is Love,
Hilary

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am going through a very hard time with my chef. Such a long, long story, but we've been together for nine years, and he only recently became very successful. Compounded with a bit of an alcohol problem, his ego is eating up all the new female attention being lavished upon him, and I had to hear from a friend that he's been seen out with other women. I have been separated from him for three weeks now, and I honestly have no idea what's going to happen, but it's been one of the worst and most painful experiences of my entire life. I saw that Daniel Boulud is getting divorced--wish we could ask his wife some questions!

Anonymous said...

I have been with my chef for 8 years and while we are not married we are commited to each other. Recently we hit a road block and made us both think about moving forward with our lives seperately. Since then we have worked through it and realized while life is not perfect by any means but it is better with each other.

There are days that i consider weather that was the right move. While not being with him i would have a normal sleep pattern, instead of waking up at 1am to spend an hour with him a day. Have birthdays and other celebrations with just us, instead of involving everyone because where he doesnt have much time to spend with me he has less time to spend with our family and friends. Having an opportunity to celebrate holidays with the chef in my life, instead of bringing home thanksgiving left overs for him. and so on as im sure all of you chefwives understand. and while hes out late having a drink after work with the people he just spent 14 hours with (which by the way i most likely will never understand) i know that he is there for me when i truly need him to be. maybe not when i want him to be but without a question when i need him to be.

So the advice i can offer is to be true to yourself. Ask the question that i had to ask myself over and over again 4 months ago: can you see youself living this life because it will not change and may get worse.

There will always be bumps, i go over them almost monthly but i know that he loves me and that i love him and like i said eariler my life is better with him in it. So while i am watching him take a nap on the first day off we had together in 2 months, i consider myself lucky to have this exciting live with my chef. To be the rock and stability for someone that means so much to me.

Now i know that my advice should be taken for what it is, we do not have children (just a dog) and that makes a completely different situation, but i think that the question can be asked across the board.

So good luck to those who is facing that same road block you will come out on the other side regardless of the decision you make, just make sure it is your decision, and not one made in vain.


C

jessica said...

I wish I could say that divorce never comes up, but as a chefs wife its very difficult to not feel lonely and empty when he works ALL THE TIME. We met when we were 12 and started dating at 14. We did EVERYTHING together. Now I rarely see him. I work the 8-5 get home and take care of the house, kids, and dog. If I wanna see him I have to stay up late. My boys (ages 8 and 6) miss him too. He is such a good Dad! At times I feel lost around him, wonder how we have become strangers. I get angry that he is never here and I almost feel like a single parent most days. I know he loves us, but its so hard to be a supportive wife when I'm sad and angry and lonely. -Jes Sarasota FL

Ashley said...

The chef & I are currently in the middle of a divorce. I was with him for almost 9 years. Married for 7 and had 3 wonderful children. I left my own career of being a pastry chef to be a full time mom to our children. Sadly, he put his career before his children and his marriage. It's not the sole cause, but it's a HUGE factor as to why we're no longer married.

During our entire marriage I was a single parent. I know that has actually made the transition from marriage to singledom a bit easier. I was alone from the start. I knew what I was getting into when we first decided to get married. Despite that knowledge I knew I wouldn't be able to compete with the kitchen any longer. He spent more time at work than he ever did at home. Hostesses, servers, etc were able to shower him with affections that I didn't even have the chance to with him working 6-7 days a week, 15-18 hours a day.

It's heartbreaking and I so envy all of you that keep it together. While I mourn the loss of my husband & our marriage I sometimes think- what marriage? He wasn't married to me. He was/is married to the kitchen.

I know this is far from helpful, but it is a sad reality that a lot of us chef's wives end up facing.

I worked hard at being a supportive wife. In fact, I probably would have stuck around for a lifetime if the worst was a few nights alone here and there. I was already used to weekends alone, holidays alone, school functions by myself, etc. But 7 days a week alone, his only time home spent sleeping, lack of support (other than financial) was too much.

I'm not sure if I'd ever consider dating (and eventually remarrying) anyone in the restaurant industry. I'm almost terrified to think of being with anyone that doesn't just work a hum-drum 9-5 job. Kinda sad, huh?

I do hope that each of you that are currently dating or married to a chef has success in your relationships. I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

ChefWife said...

-Anon #1-I also wish we could ask the major league (ex)wives about their relationship with their chefs. I wonder what an impact the big time fame has. Good luck with everything and keep us posted. It sounds like you are going through something terribly rough. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

-C- I agree with your quote 100%: "can you see youself living this life because it will not change and may get worse" -especially about the "may get worse part"

-Jes- I know exactly what you mean about being strangers. Sometimes I feel like my husband is my roommate. He helps pay the rent, does a small share of housework, and does his own thing.

-Ashley-Thank you for your honestly. How are you adjusting to the major change in your life? How are your children adjusting? It's so scary to read what you wrote because so many of your situations are similar to my own. I completely understand about being scared away from dating someone in the industry.
And by the way, your comment is VERY helpful. It's nice to hear the truth about our one of our fears.

Cindy @ Chalk it Up! said...

I keep coming back to your post and reading the comments and thinking about it. My situation sounds so similar to Ashley's and others in many ways. I actually commented a few days ago then decided not to post because the fact is... right now I'm asking myself a lot of questions and feeling very confused.
I've been married to my chef for 15 years, this month. I keep trying to tell him that, although he works insanely crazy hours he needs to put some energy into the relationship. Even a little text now and then during the day would help. People see me as a stay at home mom BUT they don't understand that I am like a single sahm. It's crazy! I'm trying to figure out what I need to do next to keep my sanity, if there is any left. I don't think I'm at the point of divorce yet(although it has crossed my mind) and I know that is not what my chef wants. I think as chef's wives we need to brainstorm on how to keep this crazy life together.
If I come up with any good ideas I'll let you know:)
Thank you so much Hilary for this blog. I think this is a good start for all of us chefs wives.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Cindy

Ashley said...

Thank you for the kind words.

I'm going to be brutally honest and tell you the main cause wasn't just that he worked what seemed like 24/7, but he also had 2 affairs with a hostess & a server. I felt like I could no longer trust him to go to work and just do his job. He spent more time with these women (and other co-workers) than he did with our kids & myself and eventually relationships formed. It's the most devastating thing I've ever gone through.

And as odd as it may sound, the time away from us working prepared the kids & I for being on our own. I'm their mom & dad. It's a sad thing, but they don't even consider him to be a parent. Just someone that breezes in and out of the picture for birthdays. I'm their world- always have been.

My goal in telling you all this personal information isn't to scare you. It just happens to be my story.

There has to be tremendous trust between any two partners who have their feet in the restaurant industry. While it ended on a sour note for me there were times where things were really, really good. I miss those times.

I know many other women who are attached to chefs (or are the chef in the relationship) who make it work. I think had affairs not taken place I could have stomached the grueling hours and often absences. I knew just what I was getting into from the start (having been a chef myself) but I didn't sign up for being deserted.

I'm doing far better now than I ever thought I would. I'm a little lonely, but not any more so than I was when I was married. If that's the worst of it I think I can handle this.

Michelle said...

As difficult as it is being married (with children) to a chef I can't imagine my life without him. The thought of divorce has crossed my mind though I know in my heart that it is not an option. As lonely and painful it may feel sometimes I keep reminding myself that we are truly blessed and that we have more than what most couples have. My chef is a wonderful husband who is 100% committed to us, a loving father whom the kids adore and I really feel lucky to have the life that i do. We are not perfect and we have our problems but in the end of the day we work it out because we are crazy about eachother. I'm learning to accept this reality. The reality that relationships are not perfect and that we will have bumps along the way. I'm also learning to accept the reality that I am not perfect and that I cannot be strong all the time. And that's ok too.

Whenever I'm feeling weak and lonely I remind myself that what we have is pretty amazing. And then I count the blessings we've been given until I feel good again.

J said...

I have never responded to a blog before now but none have ever been one that I could have written verbatim.

I am married to a fantastic guy whose major flaw in life is that he is a chef. We've dated since hs (14 years) and have been married for almost 4. He's the only man I've ever loved and can ever see myself loving yet I have thought about divorce and hate myself for it. We have only had 1 time where I've said I'm done though... yesterday actually!

I am not sure how much longer I can live this life and it hurts so much to type that. We do not have kids and this is a big reason why. I'm a very independent (and stubborn) person otherwise I'm pretty sure I would have given up a long time ago.

One of the ONLY things that keeps me in this marriage is that my husband hates it as much as I do and often says he would give it all up for our marriage...although it is sweet to hear I'm pretty sure he won't. He is empathetic and sympathetic to the our life and often complains how miserable it is for him too. SO QUIT!!!!!!!!! :) One of my fears is that something will happen to one of us and all the other person will have to hold on to is the 4-6 hours a week we see each other.

The most recent reason for contemplating divorce for me was that all of my fears and heartache came in a cute 19 year old intern package. She went on and on how amazing my husband is, yes I know thank you I married him, and how lucky I am, how when he comes in with a little scruff he looks like Matthew Fox and oh yea how she spends more time a day with him than I do and "that must be so hard". On and on = 3 hours although I constantly tried to avoid her and/or change the subject. Shut her down is what I should have done but that would have been giving her what she wanted. I am a confident person but know enough people who have developed work relationships that have crossed boundaries.

I found myself asking 1 question...what did I do to deserve this lifestyle? I am supportive and have been for the 10years he has been in the business. I have the white flag in my hand but am too stubborn to wave it I suppose. I am happy for him that he is happy but I'm sad for me that I'm not I guess. It sucks.

Thank you for this blog...found it at a time when I really needed it!

Anonymous said...

I big fat "Yes." May God forgive me for even letting it cross my mind so many times or for even pondering on it. My relationship with my Chef husband is like the waves of the Hawaiian shores. There are good days, but when it's bad, it's really bad. We all have a common denominator, we are all married to Chefs. But is it really the person or profession that's breaking our hearts? I can relate to the long hours, the people around that are more interested in talking to him than you, the interesting scents they have, feeling more lonely than ever etc, all those things are not great and in my 11 years of marriage, I can honestly say, I'm still learning and adjusting as I go. I can relate to Cindy, about a simple text or phone call would be great during the day. Every time I call, I'm nervous that I've interrupted him or he's in the middle of a plate-up. I too feel like a single Stay-at-home-mom.
I've also felt a loss of identity. I use to cook for people and entertain a lot when I was single, but when my friends found out I married a chef, no one was interested in my cooking.
I met a lady about 10 years ago, that was once married to a chef. When I told her that I was married to one, she looked at me like she was so sorry for me. She mentioned that her Chef was so "needy." I was newly married then, but I sure know now what she meant. In the very little time we have together, he likes his needs met first and complains when I give him a "honey to-do-list" or that I planned so many things for him to do during his day-off, that he doesn't get any "relaxing" time. Oh please. ;0) I find it harder to celebrate our wedding anniversary each year, since I need to make the restaurant reservation myself, because he is so busy to do so. How romantic!!! Ok, I'm starting to vent and I feel my heart racing. I need to stop now.
I'm thankful for this blog Hilary and the ladies that have opened up to what they are going through. It helps me not to feel so alone in my heartache. I just don't know how to move forward. I love my daughter to so much, that it would break her heart if I divorced her father. Why is it so hard? Hang in there ladies!!! At least we have each other. Hugs to you all.

ChefWife said...

I think you've stumbled upon and very good question: Is it the chef husband or the profession that creates difficulties? Hm....

Anonymous said...

Hello ladies. I am planning a wedding to my chef in the spring. He works about 12 hours a day and I've known for some time that I would basically be a single mom. I was just wondering if you have any tips. Tips for getting married and having kids with someone who's not around that much.
Bella

Anonymous said...

. I personally don't think it's fair that a man can use work As an excuse to avoid being a father and a husband. The question I asked myself when dating a chef...since when should a job come before me and the kids i would have with the chef? The answer is no job is more important than human beings. Kids r only kids for so long so is making food more important than seeing your children? I couldn't stand the thought of my chef missing the bb games and tucking them into bed. What's the point of marrying someone when ur going to be a single parent anyway? That's y I walked away from my chef I couldn't sign up for that life...good luck to u all. It's not an easy life

Chefwife Sarah said...

Being married to anyone who is in a field of demand is not easy. But, in my opinion, supporting your family (including in the long run) is what is the bare bones of a parent. That means long hours, and holidays away. I grew up with a father that worked hard hours, it wasn't until my late 20's that I really understood how much he gave up too.

The D word has come out of my mouth before, but not due to over working, due to the common "stress releases" (ie drinking). Sometimes I am jealous, only because I work just as hard, but without a paycheck. And I'm talking, mowing the lawn, watching the kids, cooking at home, cleaning, sorting, organizing, oil changes, hanging pictures, home repairs, installing garbage disposals, taking out the trash, cleaning poo etc, etc, etc. Sometimes, I want to sit around at 10pm and do nothing too, but my job is 24 hours a day.

Gotta go now, because I have to iron chef coats. Which really pisses me off, since the only reason I have to iron them is because my husband doesn't like the coats from the company that comes and launders them each week for free. They're too stiff. Ohhh, poor baby!

JD said...

I don't know that the question is actually "is it the chef husband or the profession that creates the difficulties" - for me, they are the same. My husband *is* the profession, you know? He lives and breathes it, to a much different extent than someone who is an accountant (or whatever) from 9-5 - he identifies so strongly with his job. And that's where the hard part is for me, because not only are the working hours different from mine and I'm left at home in the evenings with the kids by myself, but it's almost like I am competing with another person for his attention (which, I'm hoping I'm not also actually competing with). Not sure if this makes sense, but it just feels like chefs have this very different perspective on their career that I rarely see my girlfriends' husbands have (that are largely office professionals of some kind). They may check their Blackberries at homoe, but they don't *live* for their jobs at the expense of their loved ones. -JD

Anonymous said...

Hello Ladies, I'm so glad that I found this blog. I haven't had the courage to post anything to it but this topic hits me hard. I'm not married to my Chef, but we have been together for 8 years. I met him before he went to culinary school so I didn't exactly know what I was in for at the beginning. I love him very much and I know he loves me too, but him being a Chef drives me nuts sometimes! I'm really glad to know that I'm not alone in the lonely nights/holidays/birthdays and having to always explain why he's not around, but based on others' experiences I can only imagine how much worse it will get if we get married and have children.

One of the Anonymous ladies was writing about how she used to cook when she was single and how now, when she tells people that her husband is a Chef, they don't care about her cooking anymore. Wow, I feel the exact same way! Last year, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for 30 completely by myself and all the "thanks" I got was that "Wow, he must have taught you so much!" or "He must have done so much!" Also, I'm a self taught baker and I'm really proud of what I can do. I hate how everyone thinks that he taught me everything I know and that I get no credit for my own hard work and creativity.

This morning I guess feelings have been building up in me again around the fact that I can't plan ANYTHING with my Chef because the place he works makes the schedules a few days to a week before and sometimes the schedule changes and he doesn't get his "usual" days off because someone else called in sick, or someone got hurt or quit (which are all logical reasons, but STILL!). I'm a scientist and I work the normal 8-5 job. I'm willing to call in sick or take vacation days to spend a day with him, but it makes me so angry that I can't even plan a nice day with him because I don't know if he will be off or not! I did get angry with him and I started thinking again whether or not this is right for both of us.

I do worry as well about other women at his work, and how he gets to spend more time with them than he does with me. It makes me so jelous sometimes that they get to hug him and see him and just simply be with him for hours. I used to work from 2-11pm which is more like his hours so we got to talk more often, but I got promoted and now I work 8-5pm. I get up at 5am and try to sleep early, so I don't even get to talk to him and ask him how his day was.

Also, I thought I was alone, but (know I am not) when one of you stated that your Chefs spend their time after work drinking with their co-workers, instead of coming home to their beautiful wives that are waiting for them! My Chef doesn't drink, but he still stays at work and hangs around with those that do. I will NEVER understand that either!

I feel like I have a lot to think about regarding whether or not I can live with this and worse.
Some say that say love is enough, but how can it be for me, when I don't always feel it?

Thank you so much ladies for being here for me and for each other. No one else understands like you do and I will be forever grateful for your friendship and help!

Anonymous said...

All the things shared here are so true. I love my husband but being a single parent is not what I planned or what me kids deserve. Yet, what are my options? The kids and I leave and we are still in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

I am the first commenter on this chain, and I just wanted to give you all an update. The chef and I are separating for good.

There was no affair involved that I know of--my gut instinct says no. It was more that, 9 years later, we are different people and he is not in love with the person I am today. Also, I think once he tasted success, he wanted to bask in it, until six o'clock in the morning and surrounded by beautiful women.

I am just so thankful that there are no children in the mix. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like for those of you who made that choice. But I do understand that life is not all that different afterwards--for years now, I have felt like a single girl, but without any of the benefits of being single. I was also missing any of the emotional benefits of being married, too, so I had the worst of all worlds. If anyone were to ask me, I would NOT recommend getting involved with a chef! It is a path that leads to heartbreak.

I am doing my best not to be bitter and angry, but it is still so new and I just can't help it. I thought I was creating a life with him, and now I have to figure out which pots and pans I can take (I should just take all of them, he never cooks at home anyway), how to get all the music I have downloaded over the last 9 years, who I can stay with for the next two weeks while I figure out a living situation, even though he is never home anyway, and all that jazz. Plus I need to find a therapist so I can figure out how to deal with my rage and sorrow.

It is a piss-poor ending to what used to be a beautiful relationship. He was my first love. I am going to need all the help I can get when I finally manage to move on to someone that appreciates me, has time for me, and reciprocates the love I have to give. Wish me luck.

Anonymous said...

Previous poster, good luck my heart goes out to you. I can hear and feel your heartbreak through your words.I agree with you I choose to not be with a chef and luckily for me he's leaving the industry and going back to school. But it took for me to walk away from him before he decided that he wanted a life with me more than being a chef.

You WILL find someone that has time for you and will be there for you, chef ego's are not attractive that's for damn sure. And maybe he will realize when hes surrounded by all the stupid women what he's really missing and that's you.

I don't understand why some women marry chef's, you end up being a single mother and single wife. I had so many fights with my bf about it and he just didn't get it. I told him why would I marry you to sign up for a life of solitude? There's no point in getting married! Id just as rather stay single! All you women married to chef's I admire you, it's tough.

Michelle said...

I am madly crazy in love with my chef. We've been together married with 2 kids for almost 8 years. Being married to a chef is definitely HARD. VERY HARD. There's no denying that fact. There are some weeks when life is bliss and the hours don't bother me one bit. But then there are other weeks when I am feeling completely overwhelmed with raising a preadolescent daughter and boistrous toddler on top of being a career woman with a very demanding job. On those days, i'm not well and feel resentment towards my chef because he's never home. I see other fathers with their kids and feel sad that our children don't get to spend their evenings with their dad.

I have been learning to cope with his job since day 1. It hasn't been easy for the both of us. Me, for obvious reasons and for him because he feels that his job is the root of all of our troubles and sadness for 8 years! It's tough especially when he's a handsome guy who gets attention from the ladies he works with. Anyway that's another can of worms we've had to work through. Bottom line women flirt with men who are cute and hold positions of power. He has never cheated on me and I trust he never will.

My chef is a hard worker, dedicated to his craft and driven to succeed in his own endeavours so that he can slowly walk away one day and have the life we both want. As hard as life may seem sometimes what gets me through is knowing that the good far outweigh the bad. He is a wonderful father, a loving husband and a great friend. When I need him he is there. When he isn't in the kitchen he is with us. We are still crazy madly in love with eachother and despite the hours he keeps we have a pretty amazing relationship.

As much as they big D word has come up during heated, high school like fights, we know that we are better than this. Our goal these days is to talk to one another in a loving way when I am not well. I know I am guilty for horrible delivery and therapy has definitely helped work out our communication issues. Also we have promised one another that splitting up will never be an option if we feel the way we do for one another.

Relationships require work. It's tough! And even tougher when you are married to a chef. At the end of the day you both need to ask yourself whether the relationship is worth fighting for. If it is than you accept that there will be waves in the relationship. You just need to be committed to riding them out together.

AD said...

I can't even explain the RELIEF I feel at finding this blog...not that I thought I was the only chef-girlfriend but still it's comforting to know there's other people out there who are going through the EXACT same thing I am. I have been with my chef for almost 4 years...we are not married yet and lately I am really thinking about whether that is the right road for us. We moved across the country a little over a year ago and it seems like his job has taken over since then. Like most of you I rarely see him...in fact I don't see him Tuesday through Sunday. He doesn't get that it is his job that is the "odd" hours and mine (9-5pm) that is "normal". He has been very jealous-acting lately...but what am I supposed to do?? Sit at home just waiting for him all the time? I have made new friends out here and spend time with them. It is just very difficult lately. I want a life with him but really WITH HIM, not the job. And does anyone else have a chef who just thinks his job is the most important/most demanding job ever? Like so is mine!! I just don't get it. Also, like others above, just don't get the drinking after work when you've spend 15 hours with these people...oy...alot to think about, thank you SOO SO SO SO much for this blog!!!!

Anonymous said...

I met my chef boyfriend in culinary school, so the schedule wasn't an issue at first, long distance was. At the CIA, if they get the AM classes, they still have plenty of time to talk in the evenings, so I definitely didn't expect the extremely harsh reality of the true culinary schedule. It's so hard once you fall in love with somebody to truly be objective about the fact that your life is going to suck because of his job. My mom keeps telling me I'm being too Pollyanna-ish about the whole situation. But my fear is that if I leave when there's still any sort of hope of it working out that I'll always wonder "what if?". Maybe that attitude's going to come back to bite me in the behind, but things are good now and I'm hoping they'll stay that way. Thankfully we've always had good communication and he's very understanding of my needs. That will probably change, especially since he is planning to open his own place, but I just feel like we'll deal with it when it comes. C'est la vie.

Also, on a side note about the drinking after work thing, we just moved up to NYC at the beginning of spring and I was VERY needy about his free time. I couldn't handle the idea of never seeing him and since I work retail, I'm lucky enough to have the option to waiting up until he comes home (which is what I'm doing now incidentally). So he never went out with his coworkers and never really bonded with any of them. He recently switched jobs and thankfully I'm in a better place to not be so demanding and am really encouraging about him going out now because he's so lonely. I never realized until lately how much that social time affected their relationships within the kitchen and I'm just glad that he's not a big drinker and never got into the drug scene so I don't have to worry about that, really. He's more of a redbull/coffee guy. But I definitely get why they need downtime with each other, mainly cause 85% of his conversation revolves around work since that's where his all his time is spent and they're the only ones who really care/know what he's talking about, besides me. And he knows I get bored eventually.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog, and it's really refreshing! Being a complete newbie to the life of a chef in NYC, I had no idea what I signed on for. I felt so alone, and none of my friends had any idea what it was like. We all work 9-6 (normal hours), and I wasn't used to dodging all the questions about where he was, etc. I admire you ladies who have remained married and dedicated to your chefs. I couldn't do it anymore, sadly. As much as I was in love with him, I couldn't imagine giving up my career and, eventually, feeling like a single mother. For me, it was too bleak.

I really respect all of you. I wish I had found this sooner. Maybe it would have made a difference in our relationship. I don't think I could ever date somebody in the industry again, but it's really great to read that I'm not crazy in the way I felt.

Anonymous said...

To the woman seeking advice on getting married to a Chef and starting a family.

I have been with my Chef for about 9 years (married for 4) we have a 4 year old and I am basically a single, stay at home mom. It is Horrible for me and our daughter.

I would NEVER recommend having children if you are married to a Chef. It is not fair to the kids, to never see their dad. And, when he is around he is tired and blah and has no energy to spend with them. He misses out on special events, holidays and yes your kids Birthdays all for the glory of his job. And, being a single stay at home mom is a VERY LONELY PLACE. You have no body to come home and give you a break to take a bath, or read or nap or run an arrand without the kids. You have no one to get in bed with you or help advise on what the the kids need or to help parent, discipline, etc...

Go ahead and get married if you are have a life of your own and are okay being alone, most of your time. But, DO NOT plan a family with a Chef. By the way, the stress on him is hard too. He has to work 16 hours a day and then find time outside of work for himself, and you and then the children. It is alot for him and I would say in most cases, he ends up having a little Crises and seeks relief in the arms of a hostess or waitress to feel freedom for a moment.