Speak Up

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Troubleshotting your Chef

Here are some sure fire ways (at least attempts and ideas) to get your chef functioning properly.

My chef will not help me cook: This is one is easy ladies-simply start cooking on your own. Get everything out you need, set up your mise en place, then get out the most outrageously improper knife to cut with. For instance if you are cutting up a tomato into slices, use a large butcher knife. Or if you are dicing a cucumber, use a butter knife. They will see your sad attempt to chop and their cheftosterone will kick in as they run towards you and say, "What are you doing?!? Let me do that!"

My chef goes out too much with "the boys": Not as easy, but doable with these options. Option 1 says to go out with your own girlfriends to get your mind of your chef who is probably doing J├Ąger shots at a sleazy but charming Irish pub. Option 2 says to join him and wear super sexy clothes. This will do two things, first it will get him nervous that anyone but himself will see your goddess body and secondly he will want you so bad you'll be on the next train home in minutes.

My chef is always playing video games: You must allow the chef to have some down time considering his chaotic and stressful schedule. However, too much of this "relaxation" for him becomes boring for you. At that point you can set up a time limit (I know it sounds juvenile, but you don't have to use a timer or anything). Offering a time limit with a reward will motivate the chef to play his games, then look forward to being with you afterward. Try this: "Hey, cheffie poo, how about you play for another hour, then we go get burgers and ice cream!" They love ice cream. Another idea is to join in. A little friendly video game competition is healthy and even more fun when you win!

My chef gets all the attention: I have noticed that other people- my parents in particular-have found the goings on of my chef more interesting than me! I know its hard to believe but a pharmaceutical marketing and second grade classrooms are hot topics. Since others think cheffing is just so cool, go along with it when they bring him up. Just don't forget to add that he won't be home for Thanksgiving, he worked a double on your birthday, and he smells like onions 24/7.

My chef smells like [ onions/fish/grease ]when he comes home: This is a nightmare, I know. One way to handle it would be to offer a bribe. "Oh cheffie poo can I give you a back rub?" and of course he'll say yes but it's at the right moment that you say, "It's too bad you're all sweaty and dirty, take a quick shower and then I'll start." Yes, you will have to sacrifice and give a back rub, but he'll be clean and he'll appreciate it.

If all else fails and your chef is doing something you don't like TALK ABOUT IT. Don't nag-believe me it drives them away. Speak in kind tones and remind them that you love them. It doesn't hurt to look longingly into their eyes either. Oh, and when they do something you like-reward them. Not like a dog of course, but its nice to hear, "Oh cheffie poo I loved the way showered for me when you came home. You're so sweet to me"

DISCLAIMER: I am not perfect. I am but a chefswife and therefore this advice is only advice to be used under direct supervision on your own common sense.



Chef's Widow said...

The smell of a chef after a long day at work can kill a girl. Especially a prego one with super human smelling senses.

LA RN said...

I have an opposite problem. Keeping "cheffie poo" out of the kitchen when I'm cooking. At the beginning of our relationship he would take over every project I had and I would end up on the couch watching TV with a huge glass of wine. (Not always a problem, mind you.) We made a rule that he could only come in the kitchen when I allowed him. "Come in and cook my scallops and then leave!".. This plan has worked out well. He cooks my proteins to perfection, but I still get the glory of creating an amazing meal on my own. P.S. I'm so stoked on your blog!!!

Anonymous said...


I get the mise going and no matter how much he doesn't want to cook, he's in there - depending on how nice the ingredients are is how fast he swoops in and takes over.

Soup from a can...I'm on my own.

Fancy olive oil, gray salt, an aged bone in rib eye....I'm on the couch!

Hilary Battes said...

He cooks, I clean up afterwards. It works for me.

Tisha said...

Wow! I so glad I found your blog. My new chefboyfriend (dating 4 months) is opening a new restaurant, he is cute and lovable but he can be conceded and wants all the attention, almost like he has HDADD. Last night the night before the final health inspection he dropped out of site. Just early in the day he was screaming at me alot. Does it get better? He was apologetic today...I just don't know what to think. Am I now a chef widow, since his food has been delivered today?
Your blog really put a smile on my face...thanks.

Anonymous said...

It works the other way around too... my ex-boyfriend used to complain that I smelled like a (well-braised) pork shoulder at the end of a long shift. Now I date cooks, as they like that sort of thing. mmm... salty pork shoulder... haha