Sunday, August 5, 2007
Troubleshotting your Chef
Here are some sure fire ways (at least attempts and ideas) to get your chef functioning properly.
My chef will not help me cook: This is one is easy ladies-simply start cooking on your own. Get everything out you need, set up your mise en place, then get out the most outrageously improper knife to cut with. For instance if you are cutting up a tomato into slices, use a large butcher knife. Or if you are dicing a cucumber, use a butter knife. They will see your sad attempt to chop and their cheftosterone will kick in as they run towards you and say, "What are you doing?!? Let me do that!"
My chef goes out too much with "the boys": Not as easy, but doable with these options. Option 1 says to go out with your own girlfriends to get your mind of your chef who is probably doing Jäger shots at a sleazy but charming Irish pub. Option 2 says to join him and wear super sexy clothes. This will do two things, first it will get him nervous that anyone but himself will see your goddess body and secondly he will want you so bad you'll be on the next train home in minutes.
My chef is always playing video games: You must allow the chef to have some down time considering his chaotic and stressful schedule. However, too much of this "relaxation" for him becomes boring for you. At that point you can set up a time limit (I know it sounds juvenile, but you don't have to use a timer or anything). Offering a time limit with a reward will motivate the chef to play his games, then look forward to being with you afterward. Try this: "Hey, cheffie poo, how about you play for another hour, then we go get burgers and ice cream!" They love ice cream. Another idea is to join in. A little friendly video game competition is healthy and even more fun when you win!
My chef gets all the attention: I have noticed that other people- my parents in particular-have found the goings on of my chef more interesting than me! I know its hard to believe but a pharmaceutical marketing and second grade classrooms are hot topics. Since others think cheffing is just so cool, go along with it when they bring him up. Just don't forget to add that he won't be home for Thanksgiving, he worked a double on your birthday, and he smells like onions 24/7.
My chef smells like [ onions/fish/grease ]when he comes home: This is a nightmare, I know. One way to handle it would be to offer a bribe. "Oh cheffie poo can I give you a back rub?" and of course he'll say yes but it's at the right moment that you say, "It's too bad you're all sweaty and dirty, take a quick shower and then I'll start." Yes, you will have to sacrifice and give a back rub, but he'll be clean and he'll appreciate it.
If all else fails and your chef is doing something you don't like TALK ABOUT IT. Don't nag-believe me it drives them away. Speak in kind tones and remind them that you love them. It doesn't hurt to look longingly into their eyes either. Oh, and when they do something you like-reward them. Not like a dog of course, but its nice to hear, "Oh cheffie poo I loved the way showered for me when you came home. You're so sweet to me"
DISCLAIMER: I am not perfect. I am but a chefswife and therefore this advice is only advice to be used under direct supervision on your own common sense.