Let's Get Connected

Many of you have been inquiring about ways to connect with other chefswives in your area. This is a fabulous idea. In fact, that is how this blog was started. My two good friends who were also dating chefs helped me so much that I knew others could use the support as well. Validation seems to be the key sentiment around here. The trouble is, I don't keep a log of readers. BUT I am going to do my best to help you get in touch with one another. If you have any ideas, please feel free to share them with me.

There are two ways we can get connected.

1. Leave a comment here on this post with your name, city and state (country if applicable), and your email. I suggest writing it out in this format to avoid Internet scams and nonsense:
desperatechefswives [at] gmail [dot] com


2. You can also head on over to my friend Kerilyn Russo's website Married to a Chef and become a member of her village. This membership includes several goodies including membership to her private Facebook group. This group is a great way to post concerns, dilemmas, and accomplishments while getting feedback from other women connected to chefs.

Food is Love,
Hilary


DON'T FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE BOOK GIVEAWAY, HERE. 

Book Giveaway!!! MASTERING THE ART OF FRENCH EATING

Hi ladies! I'm happy to have another giveaway to offer you. From Penguin Publishers...

In MASTERING THE ART OF FRENCH EATING journalist Ann Mah blends food, travel, and gastronomic history as she embarks on a journey to reinvent her dream of living in Paris.

After her diplomat husband is given a three-year assignment in France, and then suddenly, called to a new post in Iraq –alone—Ann must find a life for herself in a new city.  Journeying through Paris and the surrounding regions of France, Ann combats her loneliness by seeking out the perfect pain au chocolat and learning the way the andouillette sausage is really made. She explores the history and taste of everything from boeuf Bourguignon to soupe au pistou to the crispiest of buckwheat crepes. And somewhere between Paris and the south of France, she uncovers a few of life’s truths.

Ann provides an insightful history of many of the regional dishes throughout France and punctuates each of her chapters with a traditional recipe. Both funny and intelligent, this is a story of love—love of France, food, and family—and of how hard choices can change your life for the better.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Ann Mah is a journalist and the author of the novel, Kitchen Chinese. Ann was awarded a James Beard Foundation culinary scholarship in 2005 and her articles about food, travel, fashion, style, and the arts have appeared in The New York Times, Condé Nast Traveler, The Huffington Post, the International Herald Tribune, Washingtonian magazine, and the South China Morning Post, among other publications. The wife of a U.S. diplomat, Mah currently splits her time between New York City and Paris. For more information, please visit www.annmah.net.

The details to enter: 

Leave a comment below telling us where you would like to live for a year and why. Perhaps you want to master the art of BBQ while living in Dallas or maybe you'd like to master the art of sushi in Tokyo. On Tuesday, September 10th, I'll randomly select a comment and get a copy of the book sent to you. It's that easy! Just make sure you include your email- no anonymous comments. 

Good Luck!

Food is Love, 

Hilary 

Sex Drive...in Neutral?

A UK chef girlfriend just brought up a topic I've yet to look at. I'm so glad to be able to write about something fresh and new, even though it isn't exactly G- rated.

So this lovely lady from the United Kingdom says her chef comes home late at night (duh) and isn't interested in being intimate. He's tired and stressed.

Has anyone else come across this? I'm sure our UK friend would appreciate knowing she's not alone. But is she? I mean it makes sense that chefs would be too tired to do much of anything after work. Then again, a man turning down some special time, does that ever happen?


Food is Love,
hilary

Turn Off the Chef

Now I know this one can't be happening to just me. Do your husbands/boyfriends ever come home with this heightened sense of speediness or aggression? They may snap at you, bang a couple pots and pans around, or be generally grouchy. If this is the case, your chef forgot to unwind on the way home.

Last night Erik came home and was cooking, but you would have thought STOMP was performing in my kitchen the way he was tossing around the pans. Then, I called him from our bedroom- I was going to remind him to check on our son who has been sick. Erik comes back to the bedroom and says, "Why did you call my name?"

Uh, say what? I was expecting, a "Hi, Honey" or "Hey baby, how are you feeling?", maybe even a "Can I get you something?". I'm 8 months pregnant, remember. This was just not Erik.

And what do you know? He told me the entire way home from work, which is about 45 minutes on a couple trains, he was making lists for work. And as soon as he walked in the door at home, he grabbed The Art of Fermentation. (he's working on 12 different kinds of tofu.)  He was the one who said, "I didn't really unwind tonight, I think I was still in restaurant mode." No kidding.

These high strung chefs absolutely need time to relax and decompress after working. I think most people probably need that, but it's different with chefs. They spend 12 hours expediting, shouting, giving orders, arguing with vendors, tasting, interviewing, crunching numbers, and furrowing their brows. They have to check that stuff at the door.

Erik should go back to playing Candy Crush on the train. Things were sweeter then.

Food is Love,
Hilary

Pray For My Mom

***UPDATE*** AS of today, 6/21/13, my mother came home from the hospital. She was there for 66 days, 21 of them being in the ICU. She is walking, talking, texting, and off the ventilator. Being home is a great thing, we never thought that would even happen. We didn't even know if she would make it through the first night. But home is scary too, the nurses aren't there 24 hours a day and I'm sure my mom will try to do way to much. This time tomorrow I'll be at her house and once again seeing the amazing work of God.

This is my beautiful mother.

My mom, Camar and my son just one month before being admitted to the hospital

She is 53 years young and diagnosed with Stage 4 LMS Cancer about 16 months ago. Due to complications she had this March/April, she was admitted to the hospital. After she stopped breathing, she went into cardiac arrest. Everything went down hill from there. As of today she is still in the ICU, now with a tracheotomy, dialysis, and other complications. She is smiling now and gaining responsiveness everyday . I have no idea what the future holds, but my faith in God and Christ is the biggest comfort I could ever ask for.

Camar 

I debated with myself for a couple weeks now about writing this on my blog. I've worked very hard over the past years to make sure this blog is about one thing and one thing only: supporting wives who are connected to chefs. I avoid talking about my son or my job, but I'm making an exception.

This blog is about one more thing: supporting women. Period. And I'm in need of support this time. I need prayers and good thoughts. I need comfort.

July 2012, My mom, sisters, and step-dad

 Food is Love,
Hilary

The New Taboo

Destiny's Child sang about it. So did Shania Twain. And we all know "I am Woman Hear Me Roar". But what have these songs and other messages of female independence done to us?

I've found that women today, have a new taboo. It certainly isn't abortion, tampons, or breastfeeding. Oh no, we pride ourselves on being able to talk about all of those things. The new taboo, is dependence. You heard it ladies! So pick up the the latte you bought with your own income, because this is about to get real.

I've met a lot of women through this blog and most of them have serious issues with feeling neglected/unloved/not payed attention to/unappreciated/not cared about/ etcetera etcetera. And all of those women, including myself, make a point to say:

"But I'm an independent woman....I work full time...I have my own set of friends...I don't NEED a husband/boyfriend..."

As if being a dependent woman is such a horrible thing. Many women today look down on their non-working sisters, and the distinction is drawn even clearer when we talk about working and non-working mothers. Something happened after the women's rights movement. We gained so much, but lost a bit too. After all, how can a person even be in a relationship if there isn't some dependence involved? If you don't depend on a person, aren't they just, a stranger?

Let me tell you, I depend on my husband for many, many things. And I'll be quite transparent and share a few here...yes this is just a small portion of things I count on my husband for.

1. To love me.

2. To supplement my income. I've been teaching for several years now and I make $50,000.

3. To lift heavy things when I'm pregnant. And sometimes when I'm not pregnant.

4. To support me in general, but particularly my job. (teachers get abused all the time)

5. To do his fair share to maintain our home, which includes raising our boys.


Dependence is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I believe it to be a sign of strength. It takes trust to depend on a person and it takes strength to trust a person. So if you feel angry that your chef forgot your birthday or left you waiting until 3am where he was, well, that's perfectly natural. you should be mad, you've been let down. I'm not saying we need to start baking apple pies and make martinis for our chefs when they get home. But I do think we need to acknowledge that we are not as independent as Beyonce wants us to be.


Food is Love,
Hilary

50 Things

Once I saw this list, I just had to retweet it.

50 Things They Never Told You About Being A Chef

Some of my favorites include:

#2 You'll never meet new people because your social life deteriorates into non-existance.

#13- 15  Your feet, back and hands will get destroyed.
#24 Your shortest work days will be longer than   most people's longest...
I read them with Erik and we both agreed that about 90% of these situations apply to him. when you pile it all up into this list, this is once crazy,upside down industry.

So what do you think? How accurate is this list? Would it have stopped your chef from being a chef?

Food is Love,
Hilary

Who is the Sous?

She's young. She's talented. She's hot. She's passionate about food. And your husband just hired her as his sous chef.

Yes, imagine that. A chefwife recently confided to me her fears of a similar situation in her own life. So how do you cope? Do you through doubt out and believe in your chef as a trustworthy man? And if so, will that even work after a few 80 hours have gone by with his new sous?

Perhaps you take a different route and you check his texts in the middle of the night. You hack into his Facebook, possibly create a fake account. You question his every move, smell his clothes and check for lipstick on his collar. You ask him to check in frequently and maybe, just maybe if he doesn't check in as often as you'd like, you call in a favor to a cook at his restaurant to fill you in on the chef's ins and outs....of the restaurant of course.

Infidelity in the restaurant industry is an issue that often arises here between the Desperate Chefs' Wives. How do we tackle this? I'll be honest, I don't think about it. Ever. But I've also been with Erik since 7th grade and I've never had to think about it. I'd bet that women who have been cheated on before, especially by the chef they are with, will experience more fears than those who haven't. But that's just a guess. Can anyone confirm?

Food is Love,
Hilary

At What Price?

My husband has never done a reality cooking show. No matter how many times I've begged him to, he just won't. But even if he did want to go, I can't imagine him leaving for months at a time to film a show such as Top Chef. On this season, the chef'testants competed in Seattle and I've been watching since day one. (Rooting for Sheldon) The last chef to pack up their knives was Josh Valentine, whose wife delivered their daughter during taping. Now, I just can't believe that. I don't know what I would do if my husband were working while I delivered.

I know my perspective on the matter is unique since i nearly lost my life after my first son was born, but I guess that's why they call it perspective. I'm having one more child in July, and Erik and I agree, without even thinking, that he has to be there. That's it. But maybe I'm just a rare exception to most women. You tell me. I also had no family with me in the hospital and I know Josh's wife had her mother there. Perhaps that would change my mind.

But the question is: What sacrifices to we make that allow our spouses to have opportunities? Or sometimes just CHANCES for opportunities. I love my husband very much, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere....where?

Food is Love,
Hilary

Table for Four

Considering my complaining has reduced quite a bit over the last several years, due to this blog and many of you, I'm proud to say I've really got a handle on this chef wife thing. And because of that, I'm in the best place to have another baby. I'm due in July, and very excited to be expanding my family.

Thank you all for the support over the years, because I would not have been able to handle the work that comes from children without being able to say "this chef wife thing, yeah, I got that. "

Food is Love,
Hilary