Speak Up

Monday, August 31, 2009

Chef Cheaters

An anonymous commenter suspects that her chef is cheating and asks that I post about the topic. I find myself reading fewer descriptions of chefs as alcoholics and cheaters, but I'm not convinced either way, that it's due to chefs turning straight edge or writers getting tired of the same sad chef description. New York Magazine wrote a piece on the Desperate Chefs' Wives blog saying:
"Chefs tend to be notoriously bad husbands and boyfriends, and the reason is obvious: They’re at work all night, they love to pop corks and hit the dummy
pipe, and there are always foxy waitresses, servers, and even diners eager for
the “fourth course.” But don’t despair if you’re stuck with one of these
scoundrels. There’s a blog for you."
I don't like to think of chefs as such "bad boys"-probably because that's not my thing. But I do know some of some chef drinkers, toquers and cheaters. However, that exists in any industry. For the most part though, the chefs I know aren't cheaters. But we can't deny that even well-known chefs have bad track records.

-UK celebrity chef John Burton Race walked out on his wife and 6 children for another women he now lives with, and has a child with.

-Gordon Ramsay has been accused of cheating on his wife, Tana-but as far as I know they are still together.

-And of course, the Top Chef Season 5 cheaters both Hosea and Leah has significant others back home and they cheated on national television-with each other.

So it is out there ladies but I wouldn't suggest avoiding chefs all together or dumping yours now out of fear. Bring your concerns here if you suspect an unfaithful chef. We can talk about it and find a solution. And given the circumstances of being married to a chef, who's to say wives are never tempted stray? But if you know for a fact that your man has cheated, my advice will always be the same: leave, now.

The New York Magazine article I mentioned earlier ended with this:
"Desperation aside, the author's own domestic situation seems rather stable,
which kind of detracts from the site's entertainment value, you know? What it
really needs is more sob stories! We want a blog that reads like a chef-y
telenova! But given what goes on in those naughty chef circles, it's only a
matter of time. We'll wait, breath baited."
HA. Well, keep holding your breath then because this chef and wife are better than ever. A four year wedding anniversary in October, a new job, and a baby due in March. Life is good.

Food is Love,
Hilary

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I agree with Hilary just bc you date a chef doesnt mean he is more likely to cheat. A profession doesnt make you cheat...the type of person you are makes you cheat. Im not worried about my chef cheating on me, what I am worried about is him doing drugs i.e. cocaine. He did it a lot in the past and I broke up with him over it.We did get back together...There are a lot of temptations in the restaurant industry, it really just comes down to the man you are dating. Is he strong enough to resist those temptations? I read that article to my chef bf...he said you could really write that about any profession. People cheat in all kinds of professions, even the most sacred of professions-teachers, priests etc.

On the flip side someone could say that chef wives are more likely to cheat bc their husbands work long hours.
What are other chef wives/gf's experiences with drugs in the restaurant industry?

Tiger Lily said...

WOW! Yes, it happens in any industry...however I do believe that with the hours, the egos and the plenty of "hostitutes" on hand there is "available temptation." Maybe more for younger (20ish) unmarried or newly married men who aren't aware of themselves yet and get caught up in the "life-style"...the going out after service and the "hype"...which I promise you dies a bit after bebe comes! The scarey thing is that no matter what your relationship is like at home, the kitchen is its own world that you're not apart of the minute they walk in the door and there is always someone there who wants what you have...especially the higher up the ladder he is! There will always be some young thing who thinks its "exciting" and "glam" and doesn't understand what is takes to stand in wifes shoes.
Keep the relationship at home strong...as it should be. Remember that the focus can't be solely on one person at a time...that was my mistake, it was all about him and his work when I was pregnant and then things went wrong with pregnancy so I figured it was all about me, then baby came and it was still all about me and baby...I figured husband would just be there, following along, stable in his job and always do well and be good. Until some little girl starts to flirt with him at work and he liked it. Now, we have come a long way since then, a lifetime actually and I'm grateful it happened to show us not the dangers of some wicked stalker waiting for him a the kitchen door, but in our relationship...keeping the focus on our family, not me not him, NOT his career, but our FAMILY...wife plus husband (chef or not) plus baby equals family...it the most important thing you'll know!

Oh and for the wife who thinks hubby may be cheating...know we are all here for you and ready to listen or kick some butt if needed, but I hope not!

Karol said...

If a Chef have no time to his family....I'dont think he have time to another person, Common Sense NY Magazine!!!

CER said...

This is a scary topic for many -- and I know I have my dark days every other week or so, when my Chef works 4 late nights in a row, returning home around 3 in the morning after closing down at 2. Sometimes my paranoia takes hold and I wonder when he actually left the restaurant and what he did between that time and commuting the 40 minutes home. However, the fact of the matter is that my Chef is just not the type to engage in that kind of activity. He definitely is one to unwind with the sous chef at the pub across the street, but he is a man that has found what he wanted (lucky me..!) -- after a very normal dating life -- and now has no interest in the "minutiae" that may be available to a man in his position.

ChefWife said...

Regarding Tiger Lily's comment: I dont't think age is a determining factor in a chef's lifestyle as far as drinking, drugs, and cheating goes. My husband never really hit the bars-especially when he became a chef and professionalism became a priority over socializing. But I do agree with you about the wives...how many have gone astray after their chefs have come home too many times after 2 am??

Tiger Lily said...

I meant more unmarried or "young", no matter the age...didn't want to say immature.
I too have wondered if there are wives who have just given up...I know none. The french wives I'm frineds with are happy to be wife and mother, they don't mind the mistress and sometimes girlfriend (the difference is living arrangments), but I for one wouldn't stand for it! Most of the wives I hear of know that there is end to the journey and things will get better...in any industry! Thank goodness we have friends and fellow wives to talk to!

Valerie Abell said...

My hubby just finished culinary school last year and has been in the industry for about 2-1/2 years. I don't worry about the cheating we have been married 17 years and just had our 7th baby in March. (Congrats on your baby) I agree though this kind of thing happens in any industry and the simple fact that he's a chef does not mean he is more likely to cheat than a Dr. or lawyer. Mine is just happy to be able to be home spending time with us after working 6 days. My biggest issue is being alone with the kids most of the time and not really having anyone around who understands what it is like being Married to someone who's job is their passion. My hubby cheats he has a love affair with the food he cooks :-)

Valerie
Arizona

Jane said...

I’m glad I came across this blog...I started dating my husband in my early 20’s. His schedule was always very clear to me, and he was (and still is) always available via cell. My field was finance and I had ‘banking hours’ while his shift started as I was meeting clients for happy hour. It was tough, cause I wanted to spend that time together, versus ‘working’ but, we’ve found that time apart while he was at the restaurant late, helped us to grow individually. I got to spend great time with my young sisters and friends that were still single.

10 years later, we both still have different working philosophies, (I’m all about the ‘open communication,’ TEAM first therapy, Compliance, and HR…But, Chefs do not have time for ‘group corporate mtgs’, they have to operate on the fly, they have live produce and product that needs to be tended to) So, we still differ big time in communicating.
Does his late hours bother me? Sure. Especially after we had our baby. I no longer had the ability to drive over and meet him after hours or to hang out as the crew closed up. Now that we have a young family and operate our own restaurant together, I have a better picture of the stress he was/is put under in a kitchen and in the front house. And why it takes him hours to ‘unwind’ when he closes. Even if it was at 2am.

Infidelity happens more often that it should - in ALL industries. I actually witnessed it more in my old ‘finance’ field – than I did with my husband’s ‘hospitality’ field. Reflecting on our first 7 years together, I’m thankful my husband was always very confident in our relationship during my banking ‘happy hour’ years…and never doubted or questioned my whereabouts. Cause he didn’t need to. And vice versa.

Jane said...

I’m glad I came across this blog...I started dating my husband in my early 20’s. His schedule was always very clear to me, and he was (and still is) always available via cell. My field was finance and I had ‘banking hours’ while his shift started as I was meeting clients for happy hour. It was tough, cause I wanted to spend that time together, versus ‘working’ but, we’ve found that time apart while he was at the restaurant late, helped us to grow individually. I got to spend great time with my young sisters and friends that were still single.

10 years later, we both still have different working philosophies, (I’m all about the ‘open communication,’ TEAM first therapy, Compliance, and HR…But, Chefs do not have time for ‘group corporate mtgs’, they have to operate on the fly, they have live produce and product that needs to be tended to) So, we still differ big time in communicating.
Does his late hours bother me? Sure. Especially after we had our baby. I no longer had the ability to drive over and meet him after hours or to hang out as the crew closed up. Now that we have a young family and operate our own restaurant together, I have a better picture of the stress he was/is put under in a kitchen and in the front house. And why it takes him hours to ‘unwind’ when he closes. Even if it was at 2am.

Infidelity happens more often that it should - in ALL industries. I actually witnessed it more in my old ‘finance’ field – than I did with my husband’s ‘hospitality’ field. Reflecting on our first 7 years together, I’m thankful my husband was always very confident in our relationship during my banking ‘happy hour’ years…and never doubted or questioned my whereabouts. Cause he didn’t need to. And vice versa.

Anonymous said...

me and my partner often joke about how easy it would be for either of us to have an affair. He does come home with stories about the other chefs but we both trust each other. As for the drugs-he's recently started smoking over the summer, apparantly due to the stress of the job and drinking with the other chefs after work provides too much temptation. This to me is the biggest insult as I can't stand smoking-the smell on his breath, clothes etc ugggh!!

am,rdh said...

i've been with my chef for 8 years and i can't tell you how many times i've walked into the bar at my chef's restaurant and seen ladies trying to chat him up. it always made me feel good, because i knew they wanted what i had (he's cute on the outside but not so cute when he gets into bed and smells like food, or comes home and steals the remote and makes me watch iron chef reruns). our relationship has certainly had it's bumps (remember that frantic e-mail, hilary?) but the key is communication and understanding. and this website. :)

Anonymous said...

they find the time