The "talks" began a few months after we were dating...with me asking.."when are you going to have time for me? If we ever have a family when are you going to be around? How can you not have a
401k? Why do you work 60 hours a week for crappy pay?"
I love my chef very much and he had this great dream of opening his own restaurant. Every dollar he made he saved for this restaurant, which means he lived at home! He is 28 and I am 27 I own my home so you can understand the frustration of having a 28 year old bf who still lives with his parents so he can save money. And so in the back of my head I was always thinking..what about me? What about us and our future?
So my dreams of our life together had to involve his dream as well. I love my chef so much and I really thought he was the man for me, but what came with the package was this career, lifestyle and passion that
I didn’t understand. I tried to immerse myself into the culinary world. I found the chef wives blogs, watched the cooking shows etc. Every time that I would think of marrying him and starting a family I saw myself alone. This caused a lot of anxiety and fear. Then I realized I life like that will not make me happy and that I didn't want to marry a man who only has 1 day a week for me and 6 days with his job. The hardest part during my relationship was excepting that that is OK to feel that way. There is nothing wrong with me because I cant except a life like that. I tried to convince myself so many woman can HAPPILY be with their chef bf's or husbands why cant I. I just realized that I'm just not built that way, some people they can except it but I couldn’t. It was only thru talking to my friend when she said to me, "I couldn’t do it I couldn’t marry a man that works like that", for me to finally feel validated with my feelings.
So the best thing to do was come to terms with the fact that this is not the life for me. We were really starting to resent each other he wanted me to accept him for who he was and what he did (rightfully so) but I also wasn't happy. And the best thing we did for each other was give one another up. We mutually decided to break up in December…Now the key here is I never asked my chef to stop being a chef (I secretly hoped and prayed he would for my own selfish reasons) but when you truly love someone you want them to be happy. To be selfless is truly loving someone.
As of this writing it has been 2 months since our break up and more changes have taken place during this time then in the last year and a half I've known my chef. My chef soon after him and I broke up started calling me all the time and said he wanted me back. Then he said he was doing a lot of thinking about what he wanted out of life and said he just wants a wife and kids and that's what truly makes him happy. Then he told me he bought his own place. After a year and a half of b*tching to get him to move out he buys his own place within a matter of 2 months of us breaking up! AND THEN he called me said I have something to tell you...he said he was getting out of the restaurant business and is going back to school full time for. Nursing! I'm thinking WTF! Now these aren't things he's just "saying" he legitimately has bought his own place and he has enrolled in college. So where am I right now…dumbfounded. So I am taking it slow, he of course wants to get back together. To imagine a life with my chef in another career and for him to give up his dream of opening a new restaurant is hard to wrap my arms around. But he has convinced me that the restaurant industry doesn’t truly make him happy and doesn’t love him back the way I do. I'm excited for this new adventure to see where it takes us.
Lessons I've Learned Dating a Chef
1. Be honest with yourself with what you really want and what you can handle.
2. His career will NOT get easier it will only get tougher
3. Don’t ask if he's working on NYE or Valentines day the answer is always yes
4. Being alone will not kill you.
5. Wanting the same things in life is key to a successful relationship
6. Chefs are married to their careers
7. I learned I'm not ok with being with someone who is married to their career
8. I never want to be second to anyone's career nor do I deserve it.
9. Don’t ask someone to give up their happiness for you (i.e. their career and passion)
10. Don’t ever give up your own happiness for someone else.