Speak Up

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year, Now Let's Get Busy!

Hi Ladies! It's 1/1/11 and a new year has begun. Thousands of kisses were shared in Times Square, champagne glasses have been emptied, and our resolutions have been made. so now let's get down to business! I was sent an email today from a chef wife in need of some advice and comforting and I know you all are just terrific at creating a supportive environment.

Let's talk about sex, baby.  Well, at least the most PG rated conversations you can water down so that we can help each other while still maintaining a professional atmosphere here. Save the details and verbal images for another time, please.

Our friend writes:
I have been dealing lately with my husband having no interest in sex. As it is finding time for Sex is nearly impossible, due to his 15 plus hour work days, but we also have a child. He walks in the door around 2:00-4:00am and of course he and I are both too tired to put out. Then on his two days off we have a 3 year old around, so the few opportunities we have to have sex now he is too tired or would rather sit on the couch and watch TV. I am the sole initiator and then he just goes through the motions. There is no passion anymore. I haven't let myself go, I still look hot and make sure to shower everynight before getting in bed, you know just incase. I tell myself that he is so stressed from work he can't perform and his libido is low, but I can't help sometimes thinking that he is getting sex somewhere else. Like at 1:00am with a hostess, waitress or food runner. I would like to know what other Chef wives sex lives are like. Especially those with kids.

I know I can't be the only one facing this problem right now.

What do you think? Is this something that eventually happens in marriage, especially POST baby? Is it a chef thing? A husband thing? A wife thing? How can the spark be kindled once again if both husband and wife are exhausted and stressed? And how should these topics be brought to the attention of our spouses? After all this isn't really easy to talk about.

By the way, something really interesting I read in this wife's email:" I divorce my husband daily in my head and then I read some posts on your site and feel better." First of all, THANK YOU. I'm honored to be helpful! A second, I really like the idea of a mental divorce. I guess I've done it before, but never really put it into those words. Clever.

Food is Love,


Anonymous said...

Ha,ha, I'm glad I'm not the only "mental divorcee".. I've gone as far as dividing the funiture up in my head - he gets the telly, I take the sofa, but who gets the car??? I then always come to the conclusion that divorcing would be a much bigger nightmare than putting up with my chef :-)

As for the sex life - what sex life?? Not much going on here, right down to nothing since we've had a baby. It's alright though, we joke about it, and have pencilled it in for summer 2012..

Please understand that I'd prefer to keep this one anonymous!

Anonymous said...

Hilary and "friend",

This is my first visit here, but I knew the first moment I saw it that I liked you and your candor.
I am a chef wife of 9 years with 2 kids. When the kids were little and it was not fesible for me to mesh into the chefs life(like meeting for dinner at 11pm) the sex life was much as you describe it-non existant. We had a sit down talk about "things" and found a solution that we both are happy with. Now we have "date" night at home on friday nights. When he gets home and the kids are in bed we have a glass of wine or 2 and have sex. It really does have to be on the books-reservation term :)
Hang in there-L

Allie said...

You are def not alone in this!!!!!

J.O. said...

Hi there,

Just found this blog, and am so glad I did! My chef and I still fall under the newlywed umbrella (married almost 8 months now) but I am already feeling basically the same way! Not to be too explicit, but ever since he got a higher pastry chef position, I think we have sex maybe twice a month, 3 times if I'm lucky. And we don't even have kids yet! My chef has reassured me many times that he finds me attractive and there's no one else, he's just too exhausted. Nevertheless, I have been feeling rather terrible about the matter lately.....so you're not alone!

Unknown said...

I too am in the same position. My chef and I are not married, we have been together 3 years and he has been a chef for 2, and we are now expecting a baby in late July. I'm thrilled about it but at them same time wonder when this happened because I don't even remember having sex in the month we concevied..haha I think he thinks since he did his "job" he's off the hook till who knows when,but I on the other hand want to feel special and attractive,especially now more than ever. Trying to talk about it usually ends in an argument so I try to just brush it aside and hope for the day the baby comes so I have something much more important on my mind! I think the "date night" is a great idea and works when your consistent,it sometimes gets frustrating that you have to pencil "it" in and its not as spontanious as it once was,but I guess that's just what seems to happen with us all;) Never feel alone!! Vanessa- Albuquerque,NM

Anonymous said...

Hi There, I am loving this website! Just stumbled upon it after googling "I never see my husband who is a chef"! I feel like tonight I am the only woman in England alone, magnified by the fact that today is of course the Royal Wedding! In the past 7 days I have seen my husband for 4 hours! I will be on here to read and vent! Claire

roberta said...

Gosh girls, no, we are definatly not alone. In 17th years of marriage, my chef and I had our hot moments but also had very quite moments, months, maybe years if I look back. There was a time when his career went up and he became more stressed with more responsibilities that I had litteraly to ask him what was wrong and genuinly thought it wasn me. My chef reassured me every time but I also had my thought about other ladies being available at night shifts....So far though nothing came out and looking at the big pictures, I can say that sex is absolutely related to his stress in our case. When things are smooth at work, we also have "work on progress" at home but usually this is the time a kitchen is set up and time to move for another challenge around the world. It means new tensions, adrenalines, satisfactions, goals...and less sex for us!
Hold on it girls!